Monday 30 December 2019

Always and Forever

by Tina Stager

sweet white wine

It was nice to hear your voice. It was so warm and pleasing. The sound is still so incredibly erotic and loving. For a long time, we had not heard from each other, and yet my heart was pounding when I listened to the sound of your voice on the phone.

Years had passed. Back when we were talking to each other for the first time, I was excited, like a little schoolgirl, and I know you did not feel any different. You told me later. I was so excited that I got wet hands, and the smile on my face grew into a laugh that did not stop. Yes, it's been a long time ...

It's been a long time since we met for the first time. It was November 2, 2002. I still remember today. I had just started working at that new bar when you walked in. I was so nervous. There were many guests that night, so I didn’t have much time to talk, but it was enough to know what I wanted. I wanted you. 

Shy and reserved, we greeted each other nicely.

When we finally had our first date, we had dinner together and could not meet our eyes with embarrassment. An unbelievable tension was in the air, and I would have loved to take you into my arms at the time. It seemed like a liberation when we went back to my place after dinner. You had offered to me to put up a shelf I had just bought. 

You asked me to pass you the screwdriver, and as if by chance, our hands touched and slowly, we came closer to each other. The beginning of an incredible night!

The next morning, we sat silently at the kitchen table, unable to speak. It was not necessary, because we knew what the other thought. Incredible farewell pain lay in your eyes, and your hand was holding mine tight. For hours!

At some point, it was time. You had to go, and I felt the desperation in you and felt that something was wrong.

You were gone, and the grief started ...

Pain and tears were the results... for both of us!

But I did not want to give up so fast, and so I decided to fly you in. One and a half hours on the plain for not even a full day. One and a half hours heartbeat ...

16 hours with you.

Pleasant hours in which we ate together, laughed and loved each other.

Hours that burned with both of us in the heart and soul, and we have not forgotten until today. Sixteen hours in which a band has bound us for the rest of our lives, no matter what we do, connecting us inseparably, even as each has long gone their own way.

I still see you in front of me when I brought you to the airport, unable to accompany you on the platform, angry at the upcoming farewell, and your inability to enter into a future with the woman you love. I see the desperation in your eyes very clearly in front of me and still feel the pain we have felt.

No - your eyes are not lying.

After that, everything was much worse. More torment and more tears until I can no longer bear to see you suffer so much. I ended the relationship against my heart and against my feelings.

For months I screamed silently with grief. I fell asleep with unprecedented pain in my mind and woke up with a broken heart in the morning. It was over!

I could not stand sunshine and blue sky. The music that we heard together brought tears to my eyes, and again and again, I had the pictures of our time together in mind. They did not want to get out of my head.

But I am a fighter, and so I rummaged through my defiance. I did not want to suffer anymore, and I did not want to be alone. I plunged into a couple of relations with men, but they were far from what they were we had each other. My heart was not free for another man, and I knew it.

In between, we had contact again and again, and every time my heartbeat when we talked on the phone. The longing for you grew more significant still, but your fear was not defeated. There was no point in waiting any longer for us to come together someday. I understood it, albeit slowly.

I started to live a new life, but in my heart, you have a special place. Nobody will dispute it. 

Yesterday I heard your voice, and our conversation lasted for hours. Hours in which we dreamed together again of Later. From our porch, where we will one day sit to watch the sunset in front of the Mediterranean sea. Hand in hand and silent ...

About the author:

Tina currnelty lives in Spain. She is a single mum, a language teacher and a writer. Two months ago she started writing her first novel.  She aims to publish several short stories before finishing her book. 

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