I Only Breathe For You by Nancy Machlis Rechtman, frappe

 

Jade sensed his presence when her skin started to tingle and the staccato beat of her heart went wild. Noah had always had that electrifying effect on her. She slowly walked through the park, searching. And then she heard it. His beautiful, sonorous voice singing about love. He didn’t know how to sing about anything else.

She followed the music that he was sending her way. She moved closer. The music became clearer, penetrating any defenses she tried to put up, already knowing how futile those efforts were.  He was playing her favorite song, “I Only Breathe For You.” So he knew she was there. Somehow Noah had always sensed their connection just before she did. And then the lyrics crept inside and laid down in her soul as she listened to the chorus:

So I beg you for mercy

            As I grasp for your hand

            I struggle for air

            As I sink in quicksand

            You’re my heart and my soul

            You know that it’s true

            And if you leave me I’m nothing

I only breathe for you.

Yeah baby, you know it

I only breathe for you.

            She continued walking towards the music, and then he was there, standing in front of the fountain where they used to throw coins and make wishes. People surrounded him, swaying to the music, but they might as well have been invisible. Noah continued to sing, but it was now for only one person. Jade drew closer. Noah finished the song before it was over.

            “I’m taking a break for a few minutes, guys,” he announced.

            His eyes locked with Jade’s and he moved towards her. He pulled her to him and pressed his lips to hers as his arms circled her body, welcoming her home. “You’re here,” he finally said. “You’re really here.”

            She pulled away and looked at him. He looked the same, but something was different. There was a vulnerability that had never been there before. She took a deep breath of him. He still smelled like the woodsy soap that had been his favorite. His grin was still boyish and heart-stopping and his penetrating blue eyes searched hers for answers that she wasn’t sure that she had. “I’ve been waiting for you,” he said, touching her face.

            Jade was at a loss for words. After all that had happened, what did he expect her to say? She couldn’t even explain why she had come back. Or why she had expected to find him still there. But almost everything between the two of them had been inexplicable from the start. “Why?” she finally asked. “Why did you think I’d come back?”

            Noah led her to a bench under a tree near the fountain. “Because I can’t breathe without you, Jade. We can’t breathe without each other.”

            Jade felt her heart straining to let him back in. The past few years had been so lonely without him. Sure, there had been other guys. She had tried to ease the pain of being without him hoping that in the dark, tangled up in the sheets, she could make herself believe she could feel what she felt when she was with him. Hoping she’d find that connection again that made her feel whole, not like she was an amputee. But it didn’t matter. Noah was her person. She hated the emptiness she felt without him, as if she had spent the last several years shot up with Novocaine.

            “You know what I’ve always wondered?” she asked shakily.

“Knowing you, you’ve wondered lots of things,” he said, taking her hand.

She almost pulled her hand away, but let it remain in his, the electricity surging between them, synapses fired up. “True,” she said. “But the song, in particular. Why did you write about me leaving you?”

Noah’s eyes searched hers. “Because I knew that one day I’d screw up and you wouldn’t be able to stay. No matter how much we loved each other.” He paused. “And I think you know that isn’t really your question. I believe your question is why did I do it.”

Jade felt her eyes starting to sting, then well over, in spite of the fact that it had been almost three years since she had flung everything she owned into a suitcase, including all of her paints and brushes and a few of her finished works, and fled out the door to start a new life without him. And she had asked why at the time. Or rather, she had screamed the word ‘why’ at least a hundred times as she felt herself die. “I did ask why,” she whispered.

“Yeah, you did,” he admitted.

“And I never got an answer,” she reminded him.

Noah sighed. “Because I didn’t have the answer you deserved,” he said.

“That’s crap,” she said. “Of course you did.”

“Look,” he said. “The band had a gig at the Beer Shack that night. I know you remember that. And it was a great audience and they kept buying us drinks. And she was our waitress. And we were on such a high that night, we played a lot longer than we had planned. And we kept drinking. And when it was over, she told me I shouldn’t drive home. That I needed to sober up. The other guys had left already. So I went with her. Not an excuse, maybe not even an explanation. But it’s what happened. And I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. You just left.”

This time, Jade yanked her hand away from his. She wasn’t angry anymore, but the pain of the betrayal flooded through her once again, for what felt like the millionth time. “Drinking too much seems to always be the catch-all excuse for everything. Even infidelity. You think it lets you off the hook?”

Noah gently touched her face again. “You wanted an answer. It’s the only one I have.”

Jade furiously wiped the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks, unbidden and unwelcome. “It had to be more than that. If you loved me as much as you said, you wouldn’t have done what you did. Even the alcohol couldn’t have made you do that. There’s more to it, whether you want to admit it or not.”

Noah shook his head. “I stopped drinking after you left. Never touched another drop. Jade, I don’t even remember that night. I was literally black-out drunk. I finally realized I had a real problem with alcohol. It wasn’t just a fun thing anymore to get so drunk I couldn’t stand up. I wish I had realized it before that night. I know you had tried to tell me so many times, but I just wasn’t ready to see it until it was too late. But nothing was wrong with you and me. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you. The way I love you. That night was a stupid mistake. One night shouldn’t define our whole lives. I stopped breathing when you left.”

“Well, I stopped breathing, too,” Jade said. “That night when you didn’t come home and I didn’t know where you were and if you were OK and I called the guys and none of them knew anything other than you had stayed to talk with that waitress and then you didn’t come home or call or show up until almost noon the next day… And I knew. And it killed me, Noah. I died that day, too. And the only thing I could do was leave. But after all these years, I ‘ve still never come back to life. You killed me that night.”

Noah put his head in his hands. “I killed us both that night,” he finally said. “And I left the band, too. I pretty much killed everything I cared about. I’ve just been out in the world on my own ever since.” He paused and looked at her. “But I’ve been trying to face myself, who I am, what I did, why I was willing to destroy everything I had. I’ve been trying to change, Jade. I went for help. And it turned me around. I knew you’d come back someday and I wanted to be the man you wanted me to be. And then I’d be able to bring us both back to life. And I’ve written about it. Almost all of my songs since that day have been about us.”

Jade studied his anguished face. She felt it deep in her bones that he meant what he said. Before she had met Noah, she had never believed in soulmates or destiny. But she remembered the jolt she had felt when she almost tripped over him that day at the coffee shop and spilled a large Frappe on his jeans and he told her not to worry over her stuttering apologies and invited her to sit with him and something about his eyes and that intoxicating grin of his told her that he was her future. And later, he told her that one look into her eyes told him the same about her.

“It’s my birthday today,” she had blurted out at the time for no particular reason, except hoping that maybe he’d feel sorry for her and it might distract him from the fact that he was sitting in a puddle of ice-cold Frappe.

He had jumped up then and dashed away from the table and she was sure he had decided he wanted to nothing to do with such a pitiful girl, all alone, spilling drinks on strangers on her birthday. But he had returned two minutes later with a red velvet cupcake with a lit match stuck in the middle and started singing “Happy Birthday” to her. He had hesitated when he came to the part where he had to insert a name, looking at her questioningly, and she had whispered “Jade.” And she was blown away by his beautiful voice as he sang her name and he told her to blow out the candle and he smiled his heart-stopping smile and she smiled her lopsided smile, and her heart had done its staccato thing and she started tingling all over, and she knew as she made her wish that she was about to embark on the ride of her life. And she had wondered how he knew that red velvet cupcakes were her favorite cupcakes in the world.

So yeah, he was her person and she was his and they were each other’s destiny. Even if he had screwed up. And these last three years had made it clear that they were just going to have to find their way back to each other if there was to be any happiness and love in their lives again. And even if people said she was enabling him and they were co-dependent and it wasn’t healthy, she didn’t care. Maybe it was true, but it didn’t matter. And maybe he had really changed. But no matter what, she knew that he was her forever.

“Show me the songs,” she said to him.

Noah looked at her hopefully. “I’ll do better than that. I’ll sing them to you,” he said. And he gently pulled her up and led her over to where he had left his guitar. The audience soon returned, and Noah smiled. “But first, I have another song I need to sing, one that I didn’t write.” And he started to sing, “Happy birthday to you…”

Jade’s eyes filled with tears, but this time they were not from anger or sadness. He had remembered. Somehow, across time and space, he had remembered. And when he got to the part where he once again had to insert her name, he looked at her questioningly. “Jade,” she whispered, her heart drumming wildly.

“Happy birthday dear Jade,” he sang, motioning for the audience to join in. They shouted her name with gusto and Jade was trembling. Noah’s eyes were laser focused on hers. And as she listened to him sing, it was like a healing balm coursing through the chambers of her heart. She took a deep breath and felt a spark ignite inside her. And she knew she was finally coming back to life.

 

About the author

Nancy Machlis Rechtman has had poetry and short stories published in CafeLit, Paper Dragon, Quail Bell, Blue Lake Review, Goat’s Milk, and more. She wrote freelance Lifestyle stories for a local newspaper, and she was copy editor for another paper. She writes a blog called Inanities at https://nancywriteon.wordpress.com.

Lexi

 

by Nancy Machlis Rechtman

black coffee 

 

James stared down at the floor in disbelief. “What the hell did you talk me into, Kelly?” he said accusingly.

“You’re blaming me for this?” Kelly asked.

“We agreed we were only going to look,” James shot back.

“You walked in with me. You even held her. You agreed we couldn’t leave her there,” Kelly reminded him.

“No, I didn’t! You said we couldn’t leave her there. Just look at what she did!” James demanded, his words amplified by the bare floor of the apartment.

Kelly knew. But she looked anyway. And there, in the middle of their very expensive reclaimed oak floor, was a steaming pile of crap. And next to it was a puddle that was slowly seeping through the planks as it spread across the floor. And under the glass coffee table was a tiny, alien-looking, almost hairless being quivering like an earthquake was taking place.

“Poor baby,” Kelly cooed.

“Really? Poor baby?” James practically yelled. “Is she going to clean this mess up?”

“For goodness’ sake, James, calm down. It’s just dog poop, not the Creature from the Black Lagoon.” Kelly stood and went into the hall where she grabbed some towels from the back of the closet and headed over to the offending mound in the middle of the living room.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” James growled. “You’re going to clean it up with the towels my mother gave us for Christmas? Don’t we have any paper towels?”

Kelly rolled her eyes. The towels were as hideous as the obnoxious Christmas sweater his mother had bought him last year, and Kelly had tossed them into the bowels of the closet hoping James had forgotten about them. This seemed like as good a time as any to conveniently dispose of them. “It will take a whole roll of paper towels to clean this up. I can get it all wiped up in a minute with these towels.” And before he could object further, Kelly released them with unwavering accuracy directly on top of the pile of excrement and the pee puddle, gave a few swipes, gathered it all up at arm’s length, then dropped everything into the trash bag she had grabbed on the way. She walked out the door, plunked the bag containing the towels –blessedly never to be seen again – and the rest of the mess down the trash chute, came inside and went directly to the bathroom to get the wipes and the Lysol spray. With impressive efficiency, she used her foot to swipe the floor with the wipes, gave it a few spritzes of Lysol, brought it all back into the bathroom, washed her hands, and plopped back onto the couch. James stared at her, open-mouthed. The tiny creature hadn’t moved from under the coffee table and was still shaking like she was mixing a martini.

“Lexi,” Kelly cooed in the sweetest voice she could muster. “Lexi, come to Mama. No one’s mad. Just come out now, it’s OK.”

“Mama?” James sputtered. “She doesn’t know you from Adam. She can barely see you. She’s half deaf, too. She probably can’t even hear you. I don’t know how the hell you convinced me to adopt the oldest, most pitiful dog in the shelter. I thought we agreed we were going to get a young, active dog to go with us on hikes and out on the boat. This thing looks like E.T. and a hairless mole rat mated. And she’s about a hundred years old.”

“But she’s so tiny,” Kelly said. “So portable. We can take her anywhere. I’ll get a doggie backpack for her and carry her wherever we go. You’ll see, she’ll be the perfect companion.”

“I never said yes!” James yelled.

“You never said no either,” Kelly admonished him.

“Yes, I did!” James was turning as red as an overripe tomato and Kelly wondered if she should be concerned. “As usual, you weren’t listening!”

“Well, the poor baby needed a home. No one was going to adopt her. She’s so grateful, look, James. Look how grateful she is.”

Lexi was watching both of them warily from under the coffee table. She started whimpering softly. Kelly crouched down and picked her up, then sat with Lexi on the Queen Anne chair on the other side of the room. She opened the oversized bag of essentials she had purchased at the shelter. “Look, Lexi, look what Mommy bought you.” Kelly proceeded to pull out a fancy dog bowl set, a small plush dog bed, a pink rhinestone color with matching leash, a pink fluffy sweater with white furry pompoms around the neck, a flowery raincoat, a tiny glittering tiara, a few squeaky toys, plus special canned dog food for dogs with sensitive stomachs. Lexi finally stopped trembling and curled up in Kelly’s lap. “See, James, look how good she is. You’ll see. You’ll love her, too.”

“Look, Kelly, I have a heart. I like dogs as much as the next guy. But this isn’t a dog. I wanted a bigger dog if we got one. Like a Lab. Or even a beagle. Not a microscopic, addled alien.”

“We’re not allowed to have big dogs in this apartment,” Kelly reminded him. “Lexi is so tiny she barely takes up any space. You might be able to get a medium-size dog though if you can find one that’s manly enough for you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” James demanded.

“It’s just starting to sound like someone has a very fragile male ego,” Kelly admonished.

“My ego is perfectly not fragile,” James retorted.

“OK, if you say so,” Kelly said. “Then give her a kiss.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Give your little girl a kiss to show her that she’s welcome here and her daddy loves her. She’s very stressed right now and she needs some reassurance from you.”

James stared first at Kelly, then at Lexi, then back at Kelly again. “I’m going to bed,” he said. “My head feels like it’s going to explode.” He looked at Lexi again. “And you, no peeing or pooping anywhere in this apartment. Your ‘mommy’ got you pee pads for that.” He made air quotes when he said the word “mommy.” He glared at Kelly and Lexy. Then he strode into the bedroom, not even bothering to put on his slippers, and slammed the door shut.

Kelly watched him leave, then cuddled with Lexi. “It’s OK, Lexi. His bark is worse than his bite. Haha. He just takes some time to warm up. One day, he’ll love you as much as I do.” Lexi looked up at Kelly, her tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth, as most of her teeth were missing. “Here, let’s try on the sweater I bought you. Who’s a pretty girl? Come, sweetheart.”

Kelly pulled the sweater over Lexi’s head and picked her up so she could see herself in the mirror. It was hard to tell if Lexi could see herself or not, but she seemed to be happy to have something on her body that kept her warm. Kelly gave her some food and water and Lexi took a few bites, but then walked away. She promptly peed on the floor.

“Oh, Lexi, no!” Kelly cried. She ran and got some paper towels and cleaned up the puddle as quickly as she could. “Come on, let’s go outside for a little walk.” She put Lexi’s bejeweled pink collar on her and attached the matching leash, then swooped her up so they could go outside.

When they returned to the apartment, Kelly realized she was tired, too and told Lexi it was time for bed. She decided it might be better to sleep in the guestroom that night and brought Lexi’s bed and toys into the room with her. “So, Lexi, here is your bed. You can sleep in your bed right next to mine, OK?” Kelly placed the bed on the floor and Lexi stared at her. Kelly picked up one of the toys and squeaked it and put it in Lexi’s bed. Lexi waited. “Oh, sweetie, you want to sleep with Mama?” Kelly asked. She picked Lexi up and put her on the bed. Lexi curled up on the blanket and promptly fell asleep. “OK, Lexi, just for this one night, you can sleep with me. After this, we’ll put your pretty little doggie bed next to our bed. You know your daddy isn’t going to want to share our bed. He’s funny that way. He barely wants to share the bed with me these days,” Kelly added. She paused. “I’m going to get ready for bed now, so you relax and I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later when Kelly opened the door to the bathroom, she saw that Lexi had jumped off the bed and was sitting next to her dog bed on the floor. “Oh, good girl!” Kelly exclaimed. “Did you decide you wanted to sleep in your own bed tonight?”

But Lexi wouldn’t get into her doggie bed. She waited for Kelly to get into bed and then she started whining. Kelly wagged her finger at Lexi. “Now Lexi, you have to decide where you want to sleep tonight. If you want to sleep in bed with me, you have to stay up here and not keep jumping off, OK?” Lexi stared at her. Kelly leaned over and picked the tiny dog up and Lexi snuggled right next to her on top of the blanket.

The next morning when Kelly woke up, Lexi was still cuddled up against her in the same spot she had been in when she went to bed. “Good girl,” Kelly said.

And then there was a mighty roar. At first, Kelly had no idea what was happening. Then she realized it was James. “Get up, Kelly, get up now! We’re returning that little monster today - this is the last straw!”

“What in the world?” Kelly said, jumping out of bed and holding Lexi protectively in her arms. “You’ll wake up the whole building, James, really, calm down.”

“Calm down? Calm down? Look at what your little she-devil did!” He was hopping up and down on his left foot and waving his right slipper in her face. “Your little angel took a dump in my slipper last night which I discovered when I went to put it on a minute ago and now I have dog crap smeared all over the bottom of my foot! Aside from the fact that my favorite slippers are ruined – and my mother gave them to me for my birthday, if you remember!”

Instead of being upset for him, Kelly felt laughter bubbling up inside of her as if she had just gulped down a glass of effervescent champagne. She struggled to keep herself under control. But James’s mother was a controlling bitch and Kelly felt no sorrow for having to toss yet another reminder of that odious woman from the apartment.

“I’m sorry,” she said contritely. “I’m sure Lexi is sorry, too. You have to realize, James, she hasn’t had a home for quite some time. She’s got to learn how to be a pet again. Give her time.”

“Give her time? Give her time!” James bellowed. “I’ve given her enough time, Kelly. I’m telling you right now, it’s her or me, do you hear me? Her or me!”

Kelly stared at him, then down at the little dog she was holding, who was snuggling even deeper into her arms.

 

The movers arrived the next afternoon. 

About the author 

Nancy Machlis Rechtman has had poetry and short stories published in Literary Yard, Paper Dragon, Page & Spine, The Thieving Magpie, Quail Bell, Anti-Heroin Chic, Blue Lake Review, Goat’s Milk, and more. She wrote freelance Lifestyle stories for a local newspaper, She writes a blog called Inanities at https://nancywriteon.wordpress.com.