Showing posts with label tea with sugar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tea with sugar. Show all posts

Tuesday, 13 April 2021

A Shocking School Visit

 This was written in response to a prompt give at Janet Howson's launch of Dramatic Episodes 

By Colin Payn

a strong cup of tea with sugar for the shock

 

On a perfect summer day, three old friends met for one of their six monthly rambles, picking over their nearly fifty years of friendship whilst seeking to make new memories.

In view of the revelations to follow, their location, route and destination had better remain secret, suffice it to say that it was once well travelled by them as they went to the same secondary school every day.

Leaving school in the late 1950s had been a time to find that the world displayed many paths for lively minds. One went to university, and never really left, becoming a lecturer before joining the management team. Another went to university and joined a large commercial company as part of their marketing team. The third took a more circuitous route, starting in engineering and several jobs later, becoming a company representative, all shiny new cars and a volatile income.  Between them, they studied the refraction of light, rewarding consumers and selling repackaged data, had various marriages, several children, and one divorce, and kept in touch with very occasional meetings at a little Italian restaurant in the West End.

With retirement came the opportunity to widen the scope of venues, until that fateful day when a trip to their old school was proposed. It was during the summer holidays but there was a chance that a caretaker might be persuaded to let them look around. But, firstly there was a pleasant walk through the countryside, that once was rushed, with duffle bags full of books and apprehension about unfinished homework, forgotten gym kit and boring music lessons.

Passing a pond there were memories of fishing exploits, the disappointment of the catch dying shortly after being dumped in the old tin bath in the garden, with a handful of muddy weed. Water suddenly gurgling over the top of wellington boots in an excited strike, and stale sandwiches softened by rank pond water hands, and still eaten with relish.

Seeing the steep side of a field, where once slow worms were dug out and described as dangerous snakes to shrieking girls, both side playing the eternal game of teenage hormones. The ignoring of the ‘No Cycling’ notices over some of the paths, with a wary eye out for Park Keepers who could identify a school uniform from half a mile away.

The school at the bottom of the final hill, looking more insignificant than its massive impact on their young lives. Even walking along the drive, once the preserve of teachers and prefects only, the building seemed more squat, the brick façade less loved, the porticoed entrance less impressive. There were also several big lorries outside with large numbers of cables coiling into the building. Perhaps refurbishment work taking place during the holidays?

Stepping carefully into the rather dark entrance, instead of a large open area with a board greeting visitors, now there was a reception counter and a harassed looking lady peering at the trio.

‘Are you with the production company?’

That was a puzzler. If they said ‘Yes’ they might get the run of the place, but it could lead to complications as they had no idea what was being produced. On the other hand, ‘No’ might mean they would be turned away. They opted for an honest explanation of their status as Old  ----------‘s, and their wish to remember the good and bad times they had as schoolboys in the building.

‘OK, but mind the cables, there’s a film crew in there.’

A film crew, that was a turn up. They speculated on a history of the school. It was quite a famous all boys Grammar school when they went there. Or perhaps an educational project by the local Council. But, at least they had an explanation for the lorries outside with polluting generators pounding away.

They moved from the familiar hall to classrooms where the blackboards were now whiteboards or screens, to the green of the quad, now a scruffy area of grass, obviously long since abandoned from the imposition of detentions for walking on it. The corridors appeared cramped since they had daily jostled their way from lesson to lesson. For two it arose thoughts of nostalgia, for one a depressing memory of constant dislike of authoritarianism and the unthinking mimicry of private schools.

Upstairs, more cables everywhere, and the school darkroom, or where it used to be. The three were keen photographers in those days, buying cans of 35mm film and using the darkroom to cut and load it into cassettes to halve the price of shop bought films. The place where the first wonder of a print evolved from white bromide paper to emerge slowly to become a full black and white photo in the developing tray.

‘Let’s go and look at the music room. I heard there is now a big gym built on the back of where it used to be.’

The boring music lessons, all about the lives of composers and staves and minims, but very seldom any music. A special occasion when the big box of the record player was supervised by the master as he lovingly took the 78’s from their paper covers and placed them reverently on the turntable. By now we all had singles, 45’s and even an expensive LP, but not the music master.

Navigating to the old space that was the music room it had now become a gallery with a floor to ceiling window looking down into the new gym.

Could they believe their eyes? There were people playing a game in the gym. Girls. Naked girls.

The three of them were transfixed, watching as the director issued instructions and the cameraman signalled from the big tripod mounted film camera. Pleasant though the situation was, obviously they were spectators who would probably be asked to leave if anyone noticed them. Still, no immediate rush.  There was time to take in the whole scene that was obviously for public consumption at some time. Maybe nude aerobics were the coming thing, and everybody would be joining such classes in the near future.

Hearing noises from behind them, they reluctantly came away from the viewing room and moved along the corridor, only to find another scene being set up with a very buxom girl in a skimpy school uniform and a lad in an equally unlikely get up, being taken through their lines by a man who looked thoroughly bored.

This was obviously no health and fitness film!

Emerging into the bright sunlight and finding that the old café was still serving mediocre tea, coffee and iced buns, the three men recovered their facility for speech. The opinion on the type of film they had witnessed being made in their once prestigious, school was unanimous. How on earth had the authorities allowed the school premises to be used in this way? Did they even know? What on earth did the Receptionist think was going on, when twenty or more girls turned up with little in the way of a wardrobe between them?

Such thoughts were repeated, with variations, on the walk back, the scenery going largely unnoticed, as they discussed their most shocking school visit.

 

About the author

Writer, 'The Future Brokers'  'Dot's Legacy'  'Beyond the Park Gates'  'Transport of Dreams'                        All available on Amazon: https://amzn.to/34Ggfco

 

Monday, 28 December 2020

Three Pairs of Bed Socks and Two Hot Water Bottles

 

 

by Hannah Retallick

Tea with All That Sugar

 

 

 

‘How was Christmas?’

 

‘Your Uncle Steve was happy enough.’

 

‘Brandy?’

 

‘Gallons.’

 

‘Bless him. What about you?’

 

‘The worst yet, I’m afraid. I received three pairs of bed socks and two hot water bottles. Tea?’

 

‘Ouch. Yes, please.’

 

‘Ouch is an understatement. How old do these people think I am? Honestly…Are you still taking all that sugar?’

 

‘Yes, please.’

 

‘Do it yourself, I can’t watch. So, I’ve made a decision.’

 

‘Oh?’

 

‘It’s so nice to see someone young for a change.’

 

‘Young, eh? Thanks.’

 

‘All relative. Anyway, it’s nice to see you.’

 

‘Sorry, it’s been a while. Work…’

 

‘I know, I understand. The thing is, I’m sick of old people. They never do anything but grumble about their aches and pains and their neighbours and their families and the state of the world. Honestly, it’s driving me crazy. And they try to drag me into their misery…and give me old-lady presents.’

 

‘Mum got three different lavender giftsets this year. She hates lavender, always has. You’re both victims of old-lady stereotyping.’

 

‘Your mother’s five years younger than me. It’s no laughing matter.’

 

‘Sorry.’

 

‘It’s all right.’

 

‘When you start getting coffin catalogues through the door, you can really panic!’

 

‘That’s it: from now on, I’m going to become youthful again. You know, like in that film, the one where the man ages backwards. I’m going to do it.’

 

‘Sounds good.’

 

‘I’m serious, darling. I need some life in my social life. Where do all the young people gather these days?’

 

‘I wouldn’t know. I’m an old person in everything but age. I hang out with books and things.’

 

‘Benjamin Button. Ages backwards in that film.’

 

‘Never seen it.’

 

‘Neither have I.’

 

 

 

*

 

‘What’s wrong?’

 

‘Nothing’s wrong, darling.’

 

‘Then why are you phoning me?’

 

‘I thought you would like an update. Wouldn’t you like an update?’

 

‘On the aging backwards thing?’

 

‘Yes.’

 

‘I’d love an update.’

 

‘Crossfit.’

 

‘Excuse me?’

 

‘Crossfit. I saw a poster at the library. It’s a gym thing, says it’s open to all ages and abilities.’

 

‘Please tell me it’s April 1st…’

 

‘Nowhere near. Don’t be silly, darling. I’ve looked it up on the internet, and I have to say, it looks like a good deal of fun. It is a high-intensity workout regime, involving a huge variety of exercises, such as gymnastics and weightlifting.’

 

‘That sounds dangerous. What about your hip?’

 

‘What about it? It’s the old one that gave me grief.’

 

‘It might be worth running it past your doctor.’

 

‘She won’t mind. She’s always preaching at me to keep active.’

 

‘She meant getting up to make a cuppa and taking gentle walks, not becoming a body-builder.’

 

‘I’m too lazy to become a body-builder.’

 

‘All ages, indeed. It’s like when organisations say, “We’re a friendly and welcoming group” – it never is. It’ll be a snooty group of teenagers in neon Lycra. Trust me.’

 

‘I thought you wanted me to age backwards. I thought you wanted me to push myself out of my comfort zone, to develop new skills, to become a New Me, even if it is a little late for New Year.’

 

‘When did I ever say that?’

 

‘You’re family. It’s implicit, isn’t it?’

 

‘I love you. You know that. You’re an inspirational human…Please don’t join Crossfit.’

 

‘I love you too. Maybe we can meet up next week? Bye for now.’

 

‘Auntie…Auntie?’

 

 

*

 

 

‘Hey. Iona, isn’t it? I’m Tony. How’s it going?’

 

‘Well, we haven’t started yet.’

 

‘Ha, good one.’

 

‘Nice to meet you.’

 

‘You too. Excuse my hands, bit sweaty. Pull-ups.’

 

‘Goodness, is that blood?’

 

‘I’ve stopped using gloves.’

 

‘Goodness.’

 

‘Don’t worry, love, you’ll be fine. We take it slow. Work on form. Build up gradually. Boom.’

 

‘Boom, yes, that’s good, yes.’

 

‘So, fundamentals. It’s important that you understand these basic movements before we throw you into a class – gets a bit mad. Let’s start with squats. Here, sit down on this box, as you normally would.’

 

‘Alright.’

 

‘Right…Oh, okay, we might have some work to do.’

 

‘Did I do it wrong?’

 

‘There’s no wrong, love. We’re all about optimising movement, building technique and strength.’

 

‘Have I been sitting down incorrectly all my life?’

 

 

*

 

 

‘Gather round, everyone. Right, single-unders to warm up and then I want you to work on your double-unders.’

 

‘Excuse me, Tony, could you explain what double-unders are, please?’

 

‘Yeah, sorry, love. Rope goes under twice for each jump. Don’t worry about them. Do singles. Can you skip?’

 

‘Yes, I used to do it all the time when I was a little girl.’

 

‘Boom.’

 

‘That was a while ago though.’

 

‘Once learnt, never forgotten, eh? Riding a bike. Right, come on, get moving people. Simon, shift back a bit – your barbell’s in the way. Wow, Iona, what on earth did you do to that rope?’

 

‘I’m sorry.’

 

‘That’s more Tangled than the movie.’

 

‘Sorry?’

 

‘You know, Disney? My kid is always…nevermind. Karen, you do box steps – reduces impact on your knees.’

 

‘Yes, coach.’

 

‘Core tight, Ben. Don’t arch your back.’

 

‘Sorry.’

 

‘Don’t be sorry; keep your core tight. You okay, Iona?’

 

‘I think so.’

 

‘Good. Right, so, the workout will be a hundred double-unders – or however you’ve scaled the movements – a hundred air squats, and finish with a hundred double-unders. For time. Got it?’

 

‘Excuse me, Tony, but is an air squat a normal squat?’

 

‘Yeah, it is. Don’t do a hundred. Stop after 10mins, wherever you’ve got up to. Watch your form, as we discussed last week – back straight, head up, keep your thighs aligned with your feet etc…You’ll be fine, love.’

 

‘I think this rope might be a little long.’

 

‘It is. Go get another, they’re hanging on the door.’

 

‘All right.’

 

‘Watch out!’

 

 

*

 

 

‘Auntie, what on earth happened to you?’

 

‘Hello. Get yourself a cuppa, and a cake, if you like.’

 

‘Auntie.’

 

‘Don’t fuss.’

 

‘I told you not to do it. Now look at the state of you.’

 

‘This is why we have two.’

 

‘You could have made sure it was your left.’

 

‘Ha. Your Uncle Steve can wash his own dishes and fill in his hospital forms and make me cuppas for a change. I tell you, darling, this is the way to go. He’ll never let me out again though.’

 

‘Crap.’

 

‘Language.’

 

‘Sorry.’

 

‘Does it hurt?’

 

‘The painkillers work a treat. The cast is frustrating thought; can’t move much. At least it’s not twinging anymore.’

 

‘Can I sign it?’

 

‘If you must. Would you like half of my iced bun? I had one before you arrived.’

 

‘Auntie.’

 

‘Well, I’m running out of time. Don’t take the cherry.’

 

‘Can you sue or anything? I’m sure they’re not meant to injure you on your first workout.’

 

‘And I’m sure it’s my responsibility to look where I’m going. I was moving too quickly. Excuse me, hello? Please could we have a pot of tea over here? Thank you.’

 

‘You need locking up.’

 

‘Jail or old people’s home?’

 

‘Jail.’

 

‘I think you’re right.’

 

‘Always.’

 

‘I’m sorry, darling, but five teaspoons is ridiculous. You’re going to die young or give yourself diabetes.

 

‘Says you, Auntie Two Buns.’

 

‘Well, I can’t stick to my principles all the time. Where’s the fun in that? Honestly, darling, that’s hot syrup; I don’t know how it doesn’t make you vomit. You ought to join Crossfit and learn what health and fitness mean.’

 

‘I think I’ve already seen…’

 

‘Oh, stop it, darling. I told you, it was all my fault. A man was practising his deadlifts – don’t look so shocked, I’m fully versed in Crossfit terminology now – I tripped on his barbell. I forgot for a moment that I wasn’t thirty-five, and that’s all there is to it. It can happen to anyone. Well, not you, obviously, you are thirty-five.’

 

‘Thirty-six.’

 

‘Oh, of course, sorry. Remind me to do a bank transfer. Did you have a nice one?’

 

‘Not bad, thanks, went out for cocktails with Darren and one of our friends. Pretty quiet apart from that.’

 

‘Good, good, well enjoy it while you’re young. Goodness knows the aging backwards thing is harder. I’ve decided not to bother. I’m old. That’s fine. I’ve made my peace. It’s difficult to be young when you’re aching in muscles you never knew you had, when you can’t even watch where you’re walking, and when half the class are young enough to be your grandchildren.’

 

‘You the oldest?’

 

‘No. Marie pipped me to the post. She’s ancient. I want to be like her when I grow up, if I survive that long. It seems Crossfit is off the cards for the foreseeable. You know what I need?’

 

‘Feet up and Uncle Steve’s tipple?’

 

‘Don’t.’

 

‘Bed socks and hot water bottle?’

 

‘Stop it.’

 

‘What, then?’

 

‘An activity that only involves my legs. Have you heard of kick boxing? I should imagine that’s a possibility.’

 

‘Auntie.’

 

‘Or perhaps I could still attend Crossfit but only do squats and lunges and suchlike, although I should imagine I’d still need my arms for balance.’

 

‘You’re joking, right?’

 

‘No, no, I’m quite serious. I might be old, but I’m not dead.’

 

‘Auntie, no offence; you’re actually mad.’

 

‘Thank you, darling. I’ve made my peace with that too. It’s what keeps me going.’

 

 

Word Count: 1527