Collins Advertise your beverage
“You’ve been Tangoed,” I say
playfully slapping young Clementine’s
bottom. You'd have thought Miss Jaffer
would have heard that one
before, but she just smiles.
something in the world of advertising, so you’ll understand
why I’m so
delighted with Clementine. Got plenty of va va voom, but
she’s really naïve.
She actually believes low fat chocolate cake will
help make her
“Murray, it’s 95% fat free, so I can go ahead,” she tells me.
has a slice each morning with her richer roasted, fuller flavoured
whilst I explain our latest campaign.
‘Our’ such a useful word, it makes dear
Clementine think we’re a team.
Mr Bannister offered her another position with
a higher salary. That
was close, thought I’d lose her there. Luckily I didn’t
lose my head,
explained that with Bannister she’d be nothing but a pretty
“It’s the business that impressed him, that’s why he bought
doesn’t care about the staff. Go compare the two of us.”
for, no with, me was different. I was teaching her all my
skills, with me
she’d progress to great things.
“It’s the real thing, sweetheart. The team
works, and you’ve got to be
in to win it, you know that.”
Didn’t tell her
I’d have to hire two girls to get through all the work
she somehow manages.
Organisation she says, that’s what she’s good at.
Learnt it from the Sunday
glossies apparently. Reads all them articles
on de-cluttering your life and
developing inner potential. They write
that she can improve herself. She
reads and believes every word.
That’s not all she reads. She believes those
shoes advertised in the
supplements really will be the most comfortable she’s
ever worn. Or if
by some unlikely chance she found better, her money would be
in full, no questions asked. She believes that those
skirts sold in three different lengths actually are stylish.
passion, not fashion if you ask me.
Clemmie turns eagerly to the
horoscopes, surely no one but a fool
could swallow the idea that one twelfth
the population were about to
be unlucky with money but forget these problems
when they fell in love
There she is over by the vending
machine. I’ll have a chat with her,
tell her about my new car. She’ll be
impressed, a man likes to be
appreciated when he’s doing well. Clementine
will understand what a
sound investment it is too, how necessary to my
Not like that nag of a wife at home. A boost to my ego
she said. Even
asked if I wasn’t just slightly too young for a mid life
crisis and it
would be difficult to get the baby buggy in. Must be that time
month I suppose.
“Nice skirt Clementine love, is it new?”
Murray, I bought it from a magazine. Do you like it?”
“I'm loving it.” And
this is true.
The skirt gives me just the reason I need to take a long
look at Clementine. Maybe she’s not quite the best a man can get,
she’ll do me. I’d like to let my fingers do some walking there, I
tell you. I’d thought her a bit of a frump before, had the
attitude, couldn’t do enough for me of course, but not really
much of my attention. Now I see things have changed.
“Go on give us
She spins round, very agile she seems, I like that.
your feet aren’t you?”
“It’s these lovely new shoes, they’re so comfortable.
I’ve bought a
pair in every colour, so I’ll hardly ever need to wear ordinary
“Getting a drink were you?”
“I was, but I’ve just lost my
last pound in the machine.”
“Please allow me.”
I put in my own money. An
investment of a different kind, every little
“What would you
“Diet iron-bru please, someone told me I was looking a bit pale
What a girl, so suggestible that a chance remark convinces her
anaemic and an old ad. campaign still has the power to persuade her
combination of colouring and flavourings can do her good.
she’s eating or drinking must be powerful stuff though. That
assistant I started with has blossomed into a very attractive
woman. I put a pound in for the 60p drink and pocket the
Time I explained the benefits of being nice to me I
think. She might
not be the brightest, but give the girl her due she is
She’s there at every meeting taking it all in. If anything needs
checked, she’s there.
“I’ll just ask Jeeves,” before she’s right
back with the answer.
She must have bought every product the firm has ever
handled. She says
she likes a touch of luxury everday, well that’s fair
She drives the make of car we promote.
“I’m a thinking person and
I thought as I’m on my own, I only need a
small car, not a driving
She wears the clothes, the make-up to good effect, she is every
gorgeous. She eats the food that makes life taste better. We all
some of the brands of course, because of the discounts though. I
why pay more? The rest of us aren’t brainwashed like dear
She sounds like an advert too, every phrase she uses is
currently promoting our clients products or soon will be. She
sympathetic too, listens when I tell her how little my wife
me. I’m sure Clementine could understand me very well.
It’s good to talk and
I talk her kind of language don’t I?
Old Bannister’s been chatting to her
again. I’d better nip in the bud
any thoughts of moving her loyalty to him.
He’s the managing director,
and I don’t want her getting ideas.
with me Clementine, love. Together we’ll go further.”
“Are you sure you’re
not just using me because I love the jobs you hate?”
“Calm down dear, it's
“I don’t want to just be an assistant, can’t you give me
“At some point in time I will.”
“Why not just do
“Remember, you can’t hurry a Murray.”
I’m just explaining that it's
Mr Bannister wants to take advantage of
her not me, when I knock over her
silly stuffed toys, a kitten and a
"Cat's know the difference,"
Clemmie mutters. “Murray, please pick up
I retrieve the
fluffy green object. "Well, that's different, but it's
not a hen."
are going to be different, all right."
I’m still trying to work out what she
means when Old Bannister calls
me into his office.
“Murray sit down. I’ve
been hearing all about your marriage problems.
I think it would be best if
you took a few weeks off to sort things
out. Treat her well, remember mums
“There’s no need, and my work...”
“Don’t worry about that,
Clementine will take over your department,
I’m promoting her because she’s
worth it. Walking advertisement that
girl. She’ll go far, the future’s
Bio - Patsy Collins lives on the south coast of England,
Isle of Wight. She writes about and photographs the things
interest her. To learn more about her and her writing, and for
of links to free to enter writing competitions, please