“So, what are you hoping Santa brings you this Christmas?” the fairy inquired.
“Every December, the same question, like a broken record: ‘What do you want from Santa’?" I sighed, annoyed. "As if Santa ever cared.”
The fairy arched her eyebrows. “Pardon? My hearing’s not the best, and it’s always the same ear. The left, I think... or was it the right?"
“Santa would do well to come himself as a gift. Wrapped and tied with a red bow in the Christmas stocking. But he should get rid of his belly and shave his beard because, frankly, it’s pretty unhygienic.”
“Hey, relax!” the fairy urged. "Why not leave something nice for him under the Christmas tree? That way, he’ll be happy and might even leave you a splendid gift in return.”
“Here’s the thing: I’ll place some broccoli and spinach under the Christmas tree, hoping that it will help him build muscles just like Popeye the sailor man. It also serves to make him feel guilty for never getting me any presents all these years.”
“Maybe this year, he’ll finally bring you your Prince Charming.”
“I prefer Santa Claus himself. Not only does he possess a sack filled with an abundance of gifts, but he is also bound by tradition to be very generous. Apart from this, the guy is an unparalleled champion of speed. During one night, he traverses the entire world, delivering presents faster than any prince on horseback!”
The fairy simply shrugged and walked away, leaving me behind to engage in a grumpy monologue. “Damn Christmas! All I really want is a few days off to relax. I just want to stay home, cozy up in a blanket, and watch Christmas movies. You know, those movies that have almost the same plot, just differing in the setting and characters. In a small town, a Santa who yells “HOHOHO” reunites lost old lovers or pairs up two people who just met by chance.”
After the movie marathon, I felt a comforting numbness, and I soon drifted off into a peaceful sleep. When morning came, a gentle ray of light roused me. I stretched, keeping my eyes shut, and felt a surge of happiness knowing I didn’t have to go to work. But then, something felt off; I didn’t seem to fit in the bed. Startled, I leaped up as if burned, having accidentally touched a hairy leg. A magnificent specimen of a man chuckled, finding my reaction amusing. “Oh my God,” I thought, “is he actually wearing red, loose fur underwear, knotted at the waist so they don’t fall off?”.
“Ho, Ho, Ho, good morning! I was feeling a bit bored while waiting for you to wake up. Right away, I’ll come over, bringing you breakfast. I noticed you left something for me under the Christmas tree, and I thought it would be nice to share the gift. There’s an old Romanian saying that goes, ‘Sharing what you’ve been given makes life feel heaven’. So, I made you a ‘spanakopita’ — Greek spinach pie — just the way you like it. By the way, I wasn’t sure what to do with the broccoli, so I ended up juicing it.”
I squinted my nose, musing, “It would have been better if I had left him a few macaroons, not broccoli! I hope he put a lot of feta in the spanakopita. That’s the way I like it.”
“Damn it! Could you please bring me a croissant with a generous amount of cream and a hot chocolate instead?” I replied.
“Nooooo! Spinach and broccoli are actually good for maintaining a healthy figure! Can’t you see the benefits?”
After gently touching the squares on his abdomen, he continued on. “Finish your food! Soon we’ll take a stroll to the North Pole, where you can meet the elves and goblins.”
“Santa, do I look like I’m built for snow? My ideal winter is sipping cocktails in the Caribbean, not wrestling with reindeer in sub-zero temperatures. Plus, now that you’ve lost weight, you don’t have that extra layer to keep you warm anymore, and your stomach deserves to be shown off on the beach.”
“Well, it seems like you’re always finding something to complain about. Anyway, just to let you know, we’ll be heading to the Caribbean as soon as I finish removing the hair from my legs.”
He placed his fingers in his mouth and let out a sharp whistle, summoning Rudolph the Reindeer, who swiftly appeared.
“Get ready! We’re heading to St. Barts in the Caribbean in two hours!”
The sled touched down on the sandy shores of Eden Rock Beach. Once the sexy Santa caught their eye, a crowd of women, each looking like a top model, flocked to him like bees around their queen. With a confident smile, he flexed his muscles, drawing cheers from his fans. “Wow, now that I’ve lost the weight, I finally understand the appeal of swimsuits,” he said, pulling sunscreen from his pocket. “However, my sensitive skin needs protection from this brutal sun!”
Meanwhile, my eyes lingered on the endless sea, where the sun bent toward the waves with a tender smile, its rays caressing the water, which shimmered like the radiant face of a happy woman.
I lounged on a chaise longue, placing an order for a refreshing cooler. To my surprise, they served me a detoxifying juice made from freshly squeezed cucumber, but at quite a steep price. I concluded it was neither better nor worse than broccoli juice.
I flagged down the bartender. “May I have a pina colada and a cheesecake, preferably a big slice, please! And could you kindly hand the bill to that gentleman over there?”
I pointed at Santa, letting my fat belly bask in the sun. Eyes closed, I started humming a tune to myself.
Santa, you seem so youthful,
Is this your first visit to me?
I won’t allow you to leave again. Truthful!
It will be a dreamy night, you’ll see.
And then, I really woke up. The Caribbean Sea vanished, and so did Santa. Even so, I’ll leave an apple pie under the tree—just in case.
About the author
Florentina Caliman is an engineer who has always been enchanted by fairy tales, ancient history, and mythology. Now, she channels that passion into creative writing, transitioning from scientific writing to storytelling.
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