Tuesday 6 December 2022

A Word from the Big Guy by Fleur Lind, egg nog

 I think it’s time you and I had a talk.

Sure, you come and visit one of my many assistants each year when they are sitting in a big comfy red, velvet chair in a shopping centre or mall near you, but I need to have a word with you.

I’ve been in the business of delivering presents to you and yours for many, many years.   I’ve seen each new generation come along, grow, and evolve.  You have kept my elves very busy with your ever-changing Christmas list over the years, from the cuddly stuffed toys, building blocks, train sets, dolls, doll houses, books, play dough, skates, bikes, sports shoes,dress-up clothes, sailing ships for the bath, inflatable toys for the pool, trucks, remote control cars… (taking a breath as the list goes on…)

As you all grew, your 'wants' changed.  We stepped up a gear or two, maybe four, to more sophisticated things.

The elves weren’t happy about the racket that noisy muffler made for your car, and I had a heck of a job packing it in my big red Santa sack last year.

If I had a dollar for every high-tech, blue tooth-enabled gadget or phone that I see on your Christmas list each year, I’d be on a Santa Cruise somewhere.

The thing is – I’m not keeping up. Figuratively speaking, of course. We all know I am faster than a speeding bullet; as my good friend Superman, says.  He and I go way back.  We do laps around the Earth and other planets just for fun. And we can go further afield, or planet, as it were, now that I have had my mechanic install a turbojet that would make every petrolhead’s eyes water. It’s magnificent if I do say so myself.

As I had accumulated several million flybys points for the number of chimneys, front yards, balconies, patios, decking, park benches, shelters, and doorsteps I stop at each year on the 24 December…well of course I had to cash my flybys in. And in case you are wondering, the emissions from my turbojets meet all the safety standards. I won’t be causing any global warming with them; don’t you fret about that.  They meet with all the ‘Green Criteria’ in the handbook, which is updated every year up here at the ‘Pole.  The only meltdown that could possibly occur is if Rudolph doesn’t get enough carrots on the journey!

I digress. Back to Superman; he and I chase the Sun and dance around the Moon, just because we can. Mrs. Claus checks our time on each lap.  We are a sight to behold, better than a shooting star! We were even going to enter the Intergalactic Games, but Superman kept getting called away to save the world; it seems there is always something going on to pull him away. He’s such a busy fellow, but he takes it all calmly in his stride, and never ever has that boy got a hair out of place!  I’d love to know who is hairdresser is.  Mrs Claus thinks I need a trim.

Superman’s finger lights up too, so he’s a good stand-in when Rudolph is under the weather from too many carrots or indulging in my eggnog when my head is turned. Mrs. Claus has told him off a few times, but these young ones love to try it on. Thankfully we haven't been stopped by any speed cameras or RBT, it wouldn't be a good look to get a ticket if he was just over the limit. Heaven forbid!

On another note, with every household drop of presents I do, I am also giving you a complimentary bottle of 'Santatiser'…That's NOT a typo, it’s my own branded version. Mine smells far more pleasant than the sanitiser you buy in the stores.  My elves have been very inventive with the aromas; there is Frankincense, Mistletoe, Pine Tree, Fruitcake, and eggnog for the Northern part of the world, and for the good folk down under, we have done BBQ, Bubbly, Seafood, Sandcastles, and Sea Spray. I suggested Petrichor...that delightful smell of rain hitting the ground, given all the rain and floods in Eastern Australia, but the elves said you don't want to be reminded of it.


            Back to your list this year.

I’ve been going to North Pole IT classes to try and find the fascination with the new phone you want. I still haven’t found it, but I get a lot of Christmas lists texted to me now. Also, my Facebook and Instagram pages are busy with requests, well wishes, images of your pets, and Christmas baking. I've also had a few requests for less rain along the East coast of Australia. Sadly, I can’t control that; I am amazing, and magic is my middle name, but I can’t tell the clouds and weather systems what to do. Believe me, I’ve tried, but it's a fail.

So long as I can get through on my big night without snow, a storm, strong winds, or heavy rain; that will be ideal. It’ll be disastrous if the heavens delivered all of the above. It is not a pretty sight when Dasher gets a lightning bolt tickling his tail! I will have to turn my turbojets off if that happens, or I will have finished my present deliveries before I've started!

But remember this when you are writing out those lists…or texting and posting them to me….

I miss the good ol’ days when you wanted books and blocks and trains or dolls and skates. There are so many good reads out there now; I know some great authors on a personal basis. and you should be outdoors more. Fresh air and exercise work wonders!

But I know I must move with the times, so text me and tell me what you’re leaving out for my supper this year.

I’m gluten-free now, and I’m trying to cut down on my sugar…so I’ll text you some menu ideas!

Stay safe my friends, and Merry Christmas!



About the author 

Fleur is a Kiwi, living in SE Queensland. She enjoys the fun, challenge, and possibilities of short stories. She is a member of the local writer's group - Rose City Writers in Warwick. For more of Fleur's work: fleursfabulousfables.wordpress.com 

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