Monday 20 July 2020

The Gods Do Tesco

by Henry Lewi

honey and lemon tea

One Monday morning Zeus the chief God announced that the stocks of Ambrosia on Mount Olympus were running dangerously low.  “We’ve got to find a way of restocking but mankind has lost respect for the old gods and won’t make any more Ambrosia or provide us offerings of wine.”  

His daughter Athena the goddess of wisdom replied, “I blame the state of the Greek economy and the EU. The Greeks don't have two Euros to rub together and impose additional taxes on the wine they make.” 

"Its not just that,” replied Apollo. “In the interests of diversity and equality, one group of gods can’t be singled out for preferential treatment.  I was chatting to Thor and he tells me that they are treated much better in Norway outside the EU. We’re not looked on kindly as we have more male Gods than female, so our EU Major Deity Grant is being slashed.”

“Right.” said Zeus’ wife, Hera.  “We’ve got to do some shopping.  You Apollo, and your sister Artemis get yourselves down to Tesco, as I hear they’ve a two for one offer on honey and ambrosia.  Take the Golden Chariot, you can park it in mother and child’s bay, but remember to turn off the Rising Sun option when you park up.”

“Mum! Really? Do I have too? I’ve got a date with that Norwegian dish “Balder the Beautiful” this afternoon.  Can’t Ares go?  He’s got no major wars that he’s got to be at.”

Later that afternoon Apollo and Ares entered the Tesco Store dressed in their finest white Togas edged in Gold.

It was sheer madness; the store was crowded with people, obviously humans, who were running hither and thither with no respect being shown for the two Gods that walked among them! 

“What in Hades name is going on?” said Ares.  

“Look people are running around with armfuls of toilet paper and pasta.” dunno said a sullen Apollo. Truth be told he didn’t like Tesco. He was more a Fortnum’s kind of god. “Maybe those Roman gods have inflicted some kind of plague like they did a few years ago. What did they call it ? Oh Yeah Black Death or something like that.” 

"Nah," said Ares. That wasn’t the Romans. It was that bunch of Indian Gods that sent it West. Anyway, that was because I stole the idea of the longbow from them and gave it to that English guy -  what’s his name Ed, Eddy or Edward something,? Besides it was nearly 700 years ago!"

At that point Apollo’s phone pinged looking at it he said there’s a What’s-Ap message on the ‘Major Deity Group Chat’ from Monkey. "Who’s he?" ee asked no-one in particular. 

“Chinese God of Mischief,” answered a red-faced slightly overweight man carrying a huge pile of toilet rolls, “a bit like that bloke Loki who’s just gone all Hollywood with the Marvel Studios!”

“Thanks,” said Apollo. “Seems like he’s sent this message out advising us that he’d got some viral infection from some pangolins he was looking after for that Mexican mate of his Yum something or other who’s gone on a cruise to the Far East, and he won’t be able to meet up with everybody at the annual Ragnarök festival.”

 “Where’s it this year?” asked Ares. 

“Milan” I think replied Apollo, “but with all this toilet roll epidemic they’re talking about cancelling it.”

Sadly the shelves were empty of honey and ambrosia and the Tesco Store Manager had no idea when the next delivery would take place – “It’s in the Lap of the Gods,” he stated staring directly at Apollo.  "You’re the god of Medicine go and have a word with that guy COBRA, who seems to run the Government, and sort it out will you!”

“What a jerk”, said Apollo as they left the store. “What are we going to do now? Any ideas?” 

"Why don’t we try Waitrose? A much better class of store and customer, they’re bound to have ambrosia at least – though we’ll have to pay extra'  they don’t do a two for one deal!” said Ares.   

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