by Penny Rogers
flasks of mead
Robin Goodfellow Hospital radio announcer
Tania WAG, currently married to Ron King
Nick Weaver Hospital porter
Ron King Premier League Footballer
SCENE 1 INT. RECOVERY ROOM IN EXPENSIVE PRIVATE CLINIC
MUTED VOICES. MENDELSSOHN’S OVERTURE TO A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM PLAYS QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND. FADES.
Robin G. Good afternoon everyone. This is Silky Smooth Radio, your private radio station broadcasting exclusively to the Top Drawer Clinic, here in the heart of London’s Mayfair. Please send ME, Robin Goodfellow, your requests. Your name will never be disclosed on air if you want complete privacy. So now, for ‘ Donna’ in the eating disorders unit here’s the song you asked for …. PLAYS COURAGE BY SUPERCHICK. FADES
Lisa Wake up now Tania. It’s all done. You’ll be fine. You can open your eyes when you’re ready.
Tania I can’t. They hurt. I need pain killers. Now. Lots of them.
Lisa You’ve had some; the soreness’ll soon go off. There’s already been a phone call to ask how you are. Someone called Ron King.
Tania He’s my husband. The treatment is my birthday present.
Lisa Hope you don’t mind me asking, but is he THE Ron King?
Tania Yes he is. THE Ron King. Striker for the most successful football team in the premier league. I ‘spose you want his autograph. I’ve got some signed ones in my bag.
Lisa Nah. Thanks for offering but we support West Ham. Come on now Tania, here’s Nick to take you upstairs. Open your eyes.
Tania. Wow Nick, you’re really something!
Nick Excuse me?
Tania You are so cool, and I love your hair. Where have you been all my life? Did she say your name’s Nick? Ooohh yes, I can see your badge. Nick Weaver. I love you Nick Weaver.
FX SOUNDS OF HOSPITAL TROLLEY MOVING
Nick Here, steady on. You can’t be seeing right.
Tania Ooohhhh, you are funny. Is there a Mrs Nick, or do I have a chance? I’ve got a lot of money and I’d be very discreet. Mind you if one of the celebrity mags got hold of a picture of you.Wow! You wouldn’t be a porter in this clinic for five minutes. We’d be chased by the paps all over the world.
Nick What are you on about? Are you mad? I’ve got three kiddies and their Mum’d kill me if I got up to any funny business. And as for this job, it’s the best thing I’ve had since I came out of the army.
Tania Oh Nick, there’s no need for your wife, or anybody, to know. It would be our wonderful secret romance. I do love you. Hold my hand, just for a minute. I don’t feel very well.
Nick More than my job’s worth. You’re still recovering from an operation, your judgement’s clouded. Here’s your room. Lisa’ll look after you.
FX SOUNDS OF MAN WALKING AWAY WITH TROLLEY
Tania Who is that gorgeous man?
Lisa He’s a porter. I think he’s called Nick. Wouldn’t say he’s gorgeous though, a bit chubby for me – and I like men with a bit more hair than he has!
Tania I’ve gotta have some of that! As soon as I can get up I’ll go and find him. Can you make sure I’m not disturbed?
Lisa I’ll put a note on your door. Is it OK if your husband visits?
Tania Ron? No it is not OK. I don’t want to see him ever again. If he rings tell him I’m asleep, and if he visits tell him I’m throwing-up. That’ll keep him away.
Lisa If you’re sure….
Tania Yes, I am. Just leave me alone now.
FX LISA LEAVES, CLOSING DOOR
Tania I’ve got to get Nick back here as soon as possible. That man is so tasty. P’raps I’ll have a sleep, then think what to do.
FX SOUNDS OF GENTLE BREATHING FOLLWED BY A START
Tania I’ve got it! FX SOUNDS OF PHONE BEING PICKED UP AND DIALLED. Hello. Is that the porter’s lodge? Can I speak to Nick please? He’s not there? Can you ask him to come to Room A19? He left something here. Thanks.
FX ENDS CALL
Spa treatments for his wife will keep her out of the way…and some premier league tickets for him. Perfect.
FX KNOCK ON THE DOOR
Ron Tania, can I come in?
Tania No you can’t. I feel sick.
Ron I’ll come back in half an hour
Tania FX PRETEND VOMITING NOISES
Ron I’ll get the nurse FX SOUNDS OF MAN WALKING AWAY
Lisa FX OPENS DOOR. What’s the matter now?
Tania Where’s Nick?
Lisa I don’t know, and you can’t see him. He’s got a job to do and it doesn’t involve talking to you.
Tania Who said anything about talking? Look. Find him and I’ll give you tickets for any West End show you want.
Lisa Not possible. Get some sleep.
FX CLOSES DOOR
Lisa Excuse me, are you Ron King?
Ron Yes, I am. I ‘spose you want a selfie. Come closer babe.
Lisa Get your hands off me! No I don’t want a selfie. Sorry, that sounds rude. It’s just that I’m worried about Tania.
Ron Well get the Doctors to sort it. I’m paying enough for the treatment, and the stay in this frickin’clinic.
Lisa I don’t think they can do anything. The operation went really well, she’s fine…..but she doesn’t seem to be seeing the same things that the rest of us see.
Ron You aren’t makin’ sense. Tell the Doctors.
Lisa What treatment did she have exactly?
Ron Eye rejuvenation using some expensive stuff from South America. Cost a fortune. Only agreed to pay for it to stop her going on about me being photographed with that X Factor winner.
Lisa You might need to find out about side effects. Try Google.
Ron Still think the Doctors ought to sort it out. I’ll come back tomorrow.
SCENE 2 INT. TANIA’S ROOM
Tania It’s twenty-four hours since my operation. I’m fine now. I’m so glad you’ve come to see me. Get into bed with me. There’s no one here. No one’ll know.
Nick You’re mad. I can’t do that, I’d lose me job and Fran’d kill me. What do you want? The office said you had something of mine.
Tania You have my heart.
Nick Rubbish. I’m off…..
Tania No wait. Here are some vouchers for your wife. Fran is it? Funny name, but there you go. Vouchers for the best Spa in London. As many treatments as she wants.
Nick Why’re you doing this?
Tania Because I love you.
Nick You’re mad, but I don’t suppose a quick cuddle would hurt.
FX SOUNDS OF KISSING. DOOR OPENS, RON BURSTS IN
Ron Get your filthy hands off my wife. You’ll lose your job; I’ll break every bone in your body. You freak.
Nick I never touched her!
Ron And as for you Tania, you’re nothing more than a slapper. You can pack your bags and look for consolation in the National League.
FX SHOUTS AND COMMOTION
Lisa What is going on?
Ron I found this creep in bed with my wife.
Tania He’s not a creep. I love him. He’s hot. I’ll never look at another man now I’ve found Nick.
Nick I’m not in bed with her. I didn’t do anything. Honest. She kept comin’ on to me. You gotta believe me. I didn’t really touch her, she’s not my type. A bit thin for me, I like something to get hold of…..
Lisa …….leave it Nick. Get back to work. Now go. Now! FX NICK RAPIDLY LEAVES ROOM
Ron, you’ve gotta sort this out before there’s even more trouble than there is now. Find out something about this eye stuff.
Ron OK, I’ll get my PA onto it. FX MAKING A CALL ON HIS MOBILE
Pixie, stop whatever you’re doing. I don’t CARE if you’re planning a photoshoot for OK!. I don’t CARE if you’ve got The One Show on the other line. Listen to me. Get a flight to Bogata NOW. Talk to those people I got the eye stuff from. Here must be some sort of antiodote. FX ARGUING VOICE ON THE PHONE. I told you Pixie, GET IT. I don’t care about the cost, I don’t care about the danger. SORT IT OUT. No you can’t resign, you know why…… and I’ll make this worth your while……please Pixie. Thanks, you’re a doll, I’ll see you right for doing this. Yeah that’s right, go like an arrow from a bow if you think that’s quick, but take as much cash as you can with you. Notes talk over there.
There you are nurse. Nothin’ else I can do for now. Make sure you keep that weird porter away from her; I’ll make it worth your while.
Robin G. Good afternoon from Silky Smooth Radio, broadcasting from the Top Drawer Clinic in the heart of London’s Mayfair. This is Robin Goodfellow apologising for being off-air for two whole days. This has never happened before, but then Silky Smooth Radio has never before been asked to help get vital medicine from South America. Well done all our contacts in Bogata. Let’s say a big ‘Thank You’ with Eyes Wide Open sung by Sabrina Carpenter. MUSIC PLAYS.
Lisa Wake up Tania. It’s all sorted now. You’ll be fine. Look at these lovely flowers from Ron. He brought them in earlier but you were asleep. He said he’ll be back this evening. That PA of his did an amazing job getting the medicine in just two days, just shows what money can do.
Tania What flowers? Oh, those roses. Yes he always buys me red roses when I’m upset. I had such a strange dream! There was this really ugly man with a funny haircut and a beer belly. Ugh, gross. What do I look like? I hope this treatment has worked; I can’t afford to look old. If I do then no one’ll want me, the paps won’t chase me and I’ll lose all my celebrity endorsements. Do you know how much I’m worth? At least Ron’s not seeing that Lizi LaBonka any more, well he says he isn’t and there aren’t any rumours about it in Hello this week. When did he say he’d come to see me?
Lisa This evening, just as soon as he’s finished recording an interview for The One Show. He refused to do it live ‘cos he wanted to be here. He’s very romantic isn’t he?
Tania ‘Spose so, at least he is as long as he gets his own way. I’m so glad he isn’t fat and ugly like that freak in the horrible dream I had.
Lisa ASIDE Hmmmm. If only you knew. TO TANIA Now, get some rest, then make yourself look lovely for when Ron arrives. I’ve got to go. A bottle of eye rejuvenation lotion has gone missing from the pharmacy.
Heaven only know what’ll happen if it gets into the wrong hands!
Robin G. This is Robin Goodfellow saying goodnight and sweet dreams from Silky Smooth Radio. To send you all to sleep on this midsummer’s night, and especially for Helena in the sleep disorder ward, here’s some music by Felix Mendelssohn.
A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM OVERTURE PLAYS AND FADES.
Les Jardins de Cadiot
after long drought rain
refreshes the tired gardens
I slip on wet stones