by Hannah Retallick
New year; new me.
Ha! You gotta be joking.
I tell you this every blinkin’ year, you and your teenage self-righteousness, your endless lists of plans and goals that are magically gonna happen when January hits. Well, I’ll tell ya kiddo, January’s gonna hit you right in the orange face. Why do you do that to yourself? The resolutions, I mean, although the face as well. Your skin colour is beautiful as it is – not too light, not too sun-damaged, just right. Goldilocks style. You could have skin as green as Shrek’s for all I care, but you shouldn’t have to turn yourself into an orange chick just cos of the other girls.
Where was I?
Ah yes, resolutions. Get real, kiddo. You aint gonna lose any weight, and you know why? Cos you don’t have any weight. And you know another reason? Cos losing weight is boring and rubbish and whatever is the opposite of nom-nom. Reason three? Quality Streets. Clue’s in the name, duhhh.
But I’m your mum, so of course I aint saying this to your orange face. I’m nodding sympathetically, yes kiddo, uh huh. Wish you hadn’t cut your hair off on one side, it looked so cute before, all long and swishy. I don’t tell you that either. That’s for you to discover in twenty years’ time when you look at the pics – ughhh, what on earth was I thinking? Stronger language though, I’ll bet. That’s what we need: regrets. None of this smoothing everything over all the time. Eat all the strawberry creams in one evening, and the orange creams as well, why not?
I wanna be healthier, really, that’s all, she says. Can’t argue with that. Go for it! Broccoli, spinach, and the weird fatty things that taste like green cream. Eww. If she says avo on toast one more time…
I’m all for health though, I really am. I ate an apple once, worst day of my life, har har. It’s just…Those frowns aint healthy, nor the anxious peeks into mirrors. And I can’t help feeling that on Jan 4th you’ll return to the chocolate box and eat not only the strawberry creams and orange creams but also the green triangles and even the ones in pink that no one cares about. Do yourself a favour, kiddo, and eat the good ones in the first place.
You’ve gone now, back to your cave, bless ya heart. I can chill again. Went for a jog earlier. Gorgeous, blue skies, air as fresh as…something fresh. My cheeks are still cold. I’m gonna wrap myself up in the bear-fur blanket my hubby gave me for Christmas (fake bear fur, no teddies were harmed in the making of etc. etc.). Mmm, slouching around. Sometimes it’s just so great to be ALIVE!
Now, get in me belly, strawberry creams.
Health and happiness to the lotta ya!