Jon had been working with Vince, his
counselor, for almost three years, which was less than ten percent of his
thirty-five years on Earth. If he only considered his adult years since he was
eighteen, well, that was just about eighteen percent of his life. Still, it
took Vince all that time to mention the archive. Wasted time. Jon had never
heard of it before. That Vince had never mentioned it frustrated him. It
sounded like something that might break the stalemate in the darkness that had
covered him for most of the eighteen percent.
“It’s not going to heal you,” Vince said, but Jon was certain something
might shake loose.
The Archive of Unsent Messages.
“I think if I just saw a few of them, I’ll see how ridiculous it is I’m
not content with my life.” Jon snapped his wrist, cracking the joint with a
brittle pop, a tick he’d had since middle school.
“It doesn’t work that way. You and I can only do so much looking
backward. Immerse yourself in today. That’s the answer.” Vince always said this
at least once a session, and Jon hated it.
Immerse, immerse, immerse!
Sometimes he thought himself submerged in concrete, immobile, almost
unfeeling. How’s that for immersion, Vince?
That night, Jon started his clandestine search, the one for the
archive, for he couldn’t ask Vince about it again. Skiffer, an orange tabby
that had found Jon a few years back, skittered across his laptop as he began
his quest in earnest.
“Quiet, Skiff. I’ve fed you. Now, settle yourself.” He reached over and
gave Skiffer a long stroke down the length of his spine. He enjoyed how the cat
pressed back, arching all the way to the tip of his tail. Look at me, Skiff
seemed to say, I need your attention.
“Now, get down.” Jon gave him a gentle shove and the cat jumped to the
floor, running to his nesting spot on the back of the couch.
It should be so simple—a few well-chosen keywords and the site should
appear, with little map pins even—but no, there was nothing. Just junk—mostly
describing how to unsend a text or email. And an online project where people
posted their stories of regret. All emotive nonsense.
Jon didn’t need others’ stories, not when he had his own.
No. The place he was looking for wasn’t one of grief, or processing, or
directions on how to do anything. According to Vince’s cryptic reference, some
place kept the messages you intended to send but didn’t, the ones you typed but
never sent. Instead, you deleted them, backspaced over them, or let them sit in
a draft folder of accusation.
But even more—there were messages you intended to write, the ones you
composed in your mind, the ones that never made it into your phone—your courage
floundered, or your faith. They were all captured in the archive.
What would Jon learn from seeing them after all these years? For some,
he’d have made the right choice not to send them, and others a wrong choice,
but they’d all be unchangeable. So, why? Because you get to a place in your
depression where you sense you’ve tried everything that everyone has
suggested—more exercise, what to eat, what to read, what not to read, and on
and on. But it had been four months since Vince had mentioned the archive, and
Jon had thought of nothing else since. He realized his OCD was beginning to
spiral, yet he needed to know.
#
In 2003, Jon was a young nineteen, and it was
his first summer back home from university. Accounting was a breeze for him, so
much so, he wanted to change his major to something more … dreamy. He
considered quantum logic but found he couldn’t even explain it to his parents.
Perhaps that made it perfect.
He’d worked for his dad that
summer in his accountancy firm. The work dulled his mind—especially his
imagination—yet he could think of anything but numbers, even magical things,
and still get the footings right. He told his dad how he hated the work, how it
smothered some small flame inside his soul, but his father was uncomprehending,
recalcitrant even. “You think I love my job,” he threw in Jon’s face, “but it
makes a life for us—clothes, food, vacations, a good life, and it pays your
tuition. Don’t forget that.” Discussion over.
So, he didn’t speak of how he loathed his studies, but most everyone
understood, his mother most of all. They would never speak of it, but she knew,
and it added to the heaviness she carried, her own demons compounded now with
those of her husband, and her son.
#
“I’m not going to speak of this anymore,”
Vince said. And that was that.
Jon had anticipated Vince’s reaction after what he’d said in their last
session. But Jon had made no progress in his research. He’d slept little. His
work was suffering, but he told no one what he carried—about his sessions with
Vince. It was none of their business. But they still knew something, like his
mom knew.
“I don’t think we’re making any progress.” Jon couldn’t look at Vince,
afraid it would weaken his resolve. He instead looked at the small hologram
globe on Vince’s coffee table, rotating so slowly it looked as though it were
frozen. But Jon was sure it had moved, for he’d watched it long enough to
notice. And then he popped his wrist, somehow pacified by the snapping
sensation.
“You’re endlessly replaying—reliving—things you can’t change. Learn and
move on.” Despite Vince’s directness, his face was void of sharpness,
angularity, absorbing whatever ill will Jon could summon.
“But my mind seems to have its own life. I wish it were that easy.”
“These things take time,” Vince said, with a surety that ended that
line of conversation.
Jon always interpreted these comments as failure—his failure to
internalize what Vince was teaching. After all, Vince was a degreed, licensed
psychologist. He knew his stuff, and if his stuff wasn’t working on Jon, it
must be something in Jon. If he could only be more disciplined, more earnest,
more something. After all, he liked Vince.
“How long?” Jon looked up, expectant of something new—something novel
to hang on to.
“You know I can’t say that? It takes what it takes.” And Vince’s face
transformed from one of thoughtfulness and concern to a warm graciousness that
sickened Jon now. “We’re making progress. I’m certain you can feel it.”
And Jon knew then this would be their last session together, because he
felt nothing. He was tired of Vince’s empty platitudes, all the churning
through emotions and memories. And all for what? He had nothing to show for
their time together. No—he owed Vince nothing. It abruptly seemed so
transactional. I pay—he heals me. But that was the trick. The healing. Was it
even a possibility? And for the first time Jon entertained a notion of utility
in Vince, motivated only by the session fees. After all, Vince had a family and
deserved to make a living. Jon understood the notion was a whim of his mind—not
reality—yet it made the rupture more palatable, even sensible.
#
Skiff was watching from the back of the couch
again, his tail flicking in intermittent irritation. He didn’t like Jon
spending so much of his time at his laptop, staring at that screen. And Jon
would glance up every few minutes and stare back, so Skiff would understand who
the boss was. He’d pushed Skiff off his laptop enough that he’d roused the
cat’s arrogance. How can an animal carry so much pretense in defeat? And then
he realized Skiff didn’t see the defeat, like a great dementia that deceived
the cat’s mind and allowed for the incongruence—Skiff’s superpower.
But finally, he found what he was looking for. Not truly found it
himself, but rather found someone who found it through some blog in some dark
corner of the Web. And after a few careful posts, the purchase of a burner
phone, and then trading texts, he learned where to look.
It was there—or almost. Just a single page. An international number to
text.
Jon: I need to find some unsent messages
+41 22 123 45 6: credentials?
Jon thought. How could there be a password? There was no mention of a
password.
+41 22 123 45 6: ???
He closed his eyes and saw his mom on that day, the last time he was
with her, face puffy, eyes half closed, in the blue robe she’d worn for the
last month and a half, cigarette fuming in her hand, unsmoked. He’d never
forget.
Jon: 2003.09.22
Nothing. His chest felt empty, something stolen from inside him in an
instant.
But just before he threw the burner against the wall …
A hyperlink.
A form to complete.
Name: Jon Rivas
Age: 35
Messages for retrieval: _
He paused, then smiled. His hesitancy amused him. He’d assumed he’d
need to provide some context of the messages, otherwise how could the office
find what he needed? An individual might have hundreds, even thousands, of
contemplated messages that never found their recipients.
The cursor blinked after the colon, patient, waiting.
Messages for retrieval: correspondence with my
mother, September 2004
Would they need more than that? There was a lot unsaid that summer, a
lot unsent. His throat tightened, then his chest. What was this? What was he
feeling?
Vince would have him journal the sensations until they coalesced into
emotions that would unsettle Jon. But now there was something infinitely dark
on the edge of his perception, a hole of some kind, an emptiness, a
longing—grief.
Yes. They’d need a bit more, so he added: regarding
my mother’s death
#
After trading a few texts with some
administrative type, Jon’s messages were approved for retrieval. The admin
described the process as incremental. Jon wasn’t sure what that meant, but he
assumed it was more of a trickle than a data dump.
In fact, he went to bed that night with nothing to show for his work.
He’d made contact with the archive and followed their protocol, but no messages
followed. A familiar emptiness sat in his chest as he lay in the dark that
night. Skiff watched from under the desk, his eyes glowing an iridescent green,
awake, indicting.
But in the morning, without preamble or explanation, the first text
appeared. The message looked no different from any other on his phone, except
he knew. It struck something deep inside, even though he didn’t immediately
place the context. It was so generic, it could be dropped into anyone’s life
and have context.
But then it burned in him in an inextinguishable way. He almost deleted
it, but instead he reread it a hundred times, as though it were difficult to
decipher.
The archivists. How could they access his thoughts—something unspoken,
unsent—for seventeen years?
+41 22 123 45 6: It’s not your fault
#
It wasn’t her fault. She had endured enough
of his dad’s oppression. He had always been missing, negligent, first with her,
then with Jon. Perhaps the only blessing was the difficulty of his birth, for
afterward, she could have no others.
It wasn’t her fault. The way his dad’s job consumed him, a race for
some point unseen by anyone but him. And what was enough? His mother kept
asking, pleading with him—we have all we need and more. Sell the firm.
And that was the first time Jon remembered. He was in the family room
gaming when he heard the shouting. Jon clamped the headphones tighter on his
head and turned up the volume, but still he heard the sickening smack and his
mother crying.
He ran to the doorway to see, but his father, filled with some mix of
anger and shame ran to him and shoved him back. He was falling, and then
nothing.
When Jon woke in the hospital, his mom and dad stood by his bed, a
concerned, loving suburban family. Mom had applied the makeup just right to
play the part.
After that, Jon and his mom walked about the house as though any sudden
noise, any shift in tone or pitch, would detonate his anger—and that became the
way.
She started taking pills to help her sleep, then more to help her wake,
but he never saw her eyes alive again.
It wasn’t her fault.
He wanted to say it, for he was sure she felt she had failed the
family, or at the very least failed him. Why didn’t he say it?
#
Jon hadn’t been to work in days. No more
messages came, yet he checked the burner every few minutes, over and over.
Skiff was confused. They’d run out of cat food, but Jon wouldn’t leave, so
afraid was he to upset some metaphysical balance that might be required to
receive the next message. Skiff was satisfied with tuna, Jon discovered.
His head pounded from lack of sleep.
Every few hours he’d move to the couch and lie there still, eyes
closed, hoping for a respite from his vigil. Skiff took offense and dropped
onto his chest, causing Jon to bolt upright. Skiff screamed and darted under
the desk. Now he’d been there for days, only coming out to eat and use his
litter.
Jon should eat. He just didn’t know why he didn’t care.
He tested the phone a few times.
Jon: ?
Nothing.
Jon: 2003.09.22
Nothing.
Then he was worried he had violated some protocol and was afraid to
send anymore texts. Did he say the wrong thing, or did he say too much?
So, he lay there in a black hole with sides so slick he stopped
reaching for a way out. And when sleep finally came, his dreams were of Vince
and Skiff. Now Vince accused him. Jon wasn’t trying hard enough. He needed to
be open to new ways of thinking. I can’t work with
nothing—you have to be more courageous. Skiff’s accusations were silent,
but even more penetrating. Jon had trusted him, but now he saw the cat’s
narcissism. “Give it up, Jon,” Skiff said. “You’re wasting your life even
trying.”
Buzz.
He startled awake. A message.
+41 22 123 45 6: run away
#
Jon was back at university when his aunt
called. His dad was incapable, apparently. They set her funeral for next week.
They’d called the dean’s office, and it was all arranged.
Jon shot back question after question. When? What happened? Was Dad
there? But only received the most appropriate veneer—she died in her bed. “I
think it was peaceful,” she added as an afterthought.
That’s when the numbness started, and the concrete, and the darkness
that covered his life. Standing by the grave, his father finally touched him on
the shoulder. Jon flinched and his father pulled away, sealing the fate of
their relationship. When he walked away, leaving Jon beside that hole in the
ground, Jon knew he’d never see him again. He would make certain of that, and
he snapped his wrist to punctuate the thought.
#
Skiff was angry. He never liked his carrier,
but there was no way they’d survive the drive with him darting around the car
and vomiting at will.
Destination: Maine.
White pines—tall, wavering in the wind yet unmoving. Jon had heard you
could lose yourself in forests as old as time. He didn’t have any idea how
they’d live, only that they would.
He never received another message, or so he guessed. A week after the
second one, he dropped the phone into a pot of boiling water and watched as the
screen cracked, the plastics warping beyond recognition.
Jon smiled as he locked the apartment door for the last time, Skiff
hissing a furious concerto in the carrier. He’d give it a try—immersion, or
whatever this was. See where it took him.
About the author
Mark Mrozinski, Ed.D., writes short fiction and composes music. His stories appear in Mystery Magazine, Beyond Words, and more. A former educator and musician, he’s earned recognition in contests from Writer’s Digest and Tennessee Williams/New Orleans Literary Festival. He lives in Chicago, where he continues to write, compose, and create.
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