Saturday Sample: And I Said, by Linda Morse, a nice cup of tea

 

CONNIE

First performed by Jan Wyld at Salisbury and Exeter Fringe Festivals and at the Drayton Arms in Kensington in 2012 and 2013.   It was recorded for Soundwork-uk.co.uk in 2017 and published by Oxford Flash Fiction in 2021.

 

Nursing Home.  Connie, a very elderly lady, sits in bed. She can neither communicate nor move. The monologue is taking place in her head.

(Connie sits up normally and speaks initially as if to a Care Assistant)

                        Go away. Not today.  Fly, fly, bye-bye.  Buy time, my time, time place. My space.

                        See the floor grow into the walls.  Crawl up the walls.  Bright, sight, sun light through coloured glass.  Turquoise, kingfisher blue. Fine shine, taffeta silk sheen on the walls. Gleam on the walls.

                        They don’t know there’s a mouse.  Comes to chat, look at that no cat, when it’s quiet.  …  Someone drops crumbs on my bed.  House mouse knows.   Whiskers them away.   Nibbles. Nibbles.                                                                                                                       Pretty pink hands.

(Mimics Care Assistant)  ‘Here we are, Connie.  Nice cup of tea.’

                        It’s not a cup, give up, upper cup, upper cut.  It’s a beaker leaker.   Thing you give to babies. Don’t think I’ll drink.  Not going to sink to that.        

(Mimics Care Assistant)    ‘Here we are.’                                                                        

Clear, we are here.  Too near.  I wish you weren’t.  Interrupts my flow.  Go.  No, the silly woman comes in with her ‘Here we are’s’ and ‘Nice cups of tea’.   Can’t she see, I’m busy … organising my party.

(Mimics Care Assistant)    ‘See you later.’

                        You might. You might not.   I might go out.  Go out like a light.  Give you a fright …  

That’ll thwart you, caught you, taught you, teach you teacher, preacher and your beaker leaker.

                        SILENCE

                        Don’t like this blanket.  Smells of mould and cold.  I’m old. They told me, I’m old.  Held a ‘do’.  How d’you do?  Hullabaloo.  My space was full of bodies. No idea who they were. Who’s there?  Don’t care.  Want some peace. “This is your niece” Bluebell, Tinkerbell, Mirabelle, Daisybelle, or some dingling, dangling, jingling, jangle-spangled old person come on the day, all the way from New Zealand …  or Wales.

                        A hundred.  Telegram and foolish man … kept repeating, ‘Century not out’, ‘Century not out’.   Something about … football anyway.  Any way at all.

                        He wasn’t tall.

(She hears the Care Assistant enter)

                        Door creak, smell leak, piss reek.  Why do you enter my place in the world of my own making a noise?

(Mimics Care Assistant)    ‘Time to take your tablets, Connie.’

                        No.

Didn’t take ‘em yesterday, pesterday or the day before the war.  Don’t pretend anymore.  Won’t wait anymore to spit ‘em out till after she’s gone.

                        There.  Learn who’s who. What will you do?  Who’s boss? She’s cross and I don’t care a toss of the head of the bed.

(The Care Assistant forces a tablet into her mouth)

(Mimics Care Assistant)  ‘Come on Con, don’t be difficult.’

                        Mmmm  (appears to swallow the tablet)

                        She’s gone.

(She spits)

                        Don’t call me Con.

                        SILENCE

                        Face in the rug, smug rug – beady, black eyes and a long nose.  Mother called it ‘aquiline.’ Very fine.  She tried to better herself.

                        Here come my guests, not pest guests.   Interesting people. Come by invitation, conversation, witty, pretty, ditty people.   No tablets and beaker leakers.  Respect me, directly address me correctly as Constance or Mrs. Brown.

                        (Connie gets up to welcome her guests)        

                        Hello.  Welcome.  

(She fusses with her skirt, as if having received a compliment) 

Thank you.  I bought it last week.  New.  Turquoise, kingfisher blue. Fine shine, taffeta silk sheen.  Be seen.  Be Queen of the night.  Bright in the light, glittering sight, sweet delight.

                        Frank.   So glad you could come.  The party wouldn’t be the same.

(She becomes coquettish)  The dancing will start soon and swoon and over the moon.

                        Let’s stand a moment together forever watching the rest in the glow and the flow and the show.  

                        (She giggles as she talks to Frank and points out other guests)

Look at his whiskers. He has such beady eyes, aquiline nose, smart clothes and his spouse mouse has pretty pink hands?

Help yourself to crumbs.  Nibbles. Nibbles.

                        PAUSE 

MUSIC    (‘Cheek to Cheek’ Fred Astaire)

                        Ah, the music’s playing, swaying. First dance, first glance, last chance.  My oldest friend … in our timeless place.  Handsome face.   Grace and lace. Last dance, last glance, last chance.           

                        (She dances, as if with a partner.  When the music finishes, she is breathless)

                        MUSIC FADES.

                        You’ve worn me out … but you haven’t lost your touch. Such touch, so much touching, moving … moving away.

                        (She greets another guest)

                        Ruby, I’m so glad you came. Yes, it’s sad.  Nothing lasts forever and a day.                                  Be nice to stay, but we’re leaving as soon as the party’s over.   To live in clover …   nearly over …

                        (Connie returns to bed)

                        Must you all go so soon   …   we’ve just begun   …   in the sun.     It’s set and there’s hardly a moon …   so soon   … over so soon …

      (Connie stops breathing)                         

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Binning It by Linda Morse, fizzy water

 

My first act is to paint my toenails blue. 

I bought the nail polish at the motorway service station. The cheapest, sparkliest, most offensive electric-blue I could find. 

 

I walk in and close the door of my new flat .

Sit on the floor And apply it. 

It drips on the carpet. 

I swear, crudely. And I rub it in. 

 

I rub in the fact of electric-blue nail polish and swear because I know he would HATE it. 

That was me… yesterday. 

A whole, noisy day ago. 

I’m not exactly sure who I am today or why I’m living here. I’m one step behind. Still catching up. Still packing. 

Here, Life insists on being heard. 

People noise, road noise, bin noise 

Pantechnicons, police cars and pizza vans. Life refuses to be ignored. 

 Live it or lose it. 

 

OK 

* * * 

I knew who I was, last week. 

 Last week I was safe. 

Surrounded by fields and a garden 

With a compost heap. 

Worms turned my rubbish to sweet-smelling soil. 

Here there are no bugs, birds or beetles to deal with any of it. 

Just bins. 

Bins with brown lids. 

Bins with green lids. 

Bins with grey lids. 

And small mysterious bins that I have yet to understand. 

 

Bin Men. 

Mum called them ‘Bin Men’. 

Bin Men come on Bin Day. 

Bin Day there was Monday. 

Everything was binned last Monday. 

You went off with the litter of your life 

And left me to dispose of the debris of mine. 

Even the worms would be defeated by that. 

 

Still… That was last week. 

 

The Bin Men and the removal van were both last Monday. 

 

I can’t quite remember how it all happened. 

Perhaps I was simply dropped into the bin. 

I like to think it had an electric-blue lid. 

A recycling bin for discarded partners. 

The Bin Men arrive and I was tossed in with lots of others, mashed up a bit. 

Then we were all squashed together to talk about it. 

* * * 

Now we’ve been disgorged, we paint our toenails blue 

 Get a tattoo A

And get on with it. 

 

Here I’m surrounded by boxes. 

The same boxes here as yesterday. 

The same boxes as last Monday – there.

 

 Last Monday there, was Bin Day. 

 

You said you only needed the weekend to sort out your things. 

You were done by Monday. 

 

Rubbish sorted from the essentials. 

Shoes: eight pairs – polished and packed, 

Shirts – ironed. Jumpers – folded. 

 Files – filed. And Pants – piled. 

New Pants in packs. 

 

Nothing much to throw away. 

 

Just your wife. 

 

Off you drove 

In your decent, un-showy car. 

Occasionally driven faster than one would expect.

Faster than I expected. 

 

It all happened faster than I expected. 

But, if I’m really honest 

 Really, really honest 

It was expected.

 I started to expect it Suspect it 

 Reject it (several times) 

Months ago. 

When my friend became very keen to become my ‘best’ friend. 

 

Robinia – my ‘best’ friend, started to visit us 

Often 

Then very often 

Then all the time 

 

 Even when I wasn’t there. 

Especially when I wasn’t there. 

 

Robinia’s nickname was ‘Binny’. 

 

It wasn’t until a week ago that I accepted, for all those months, my husband had been 

 

 ‘Binning it’. 

He didn’t much like that expression (laughs) ‘Binning it’. 

 

So… 

He disappears in a cloud of aftershave and new pants. 

I assess the damage. 

Weirdly it resembles the aftermath of a wild party. 

 

I commit my pathetic prettyings to a plastic sack. 

 I thought they made a home 

 Actually… 

They make a mess. 

 

That was sooo last week. 

Sooo who I was. 

* * * 

In my suitcase, ten pairs of jeans, mainly blue. Some smart, some grubby for gardening. 

But I don’t have a garden. 

 

Bin them. T

wo dresses, one for winter, one for summer. 

What’s the point of more, if you live in the country? 

 I don’t live in the country. 

 

Buy another dress, buy two. 

 

Books – mainly read. 

They can go. 

 

Underwear depleted 

Arguments defeated 

Phone friends deleted. 

 

OK 

 

’m living here. 

Here, where we’re all piled up in boxes, overlooking the road. 

Our lives separated by a fingers-width of wall. 

Listen! 

You can hear every snore 

Every cough, 

Every moment of ecstasy. 

And you can hear all the basic stuff too The washing machine draining, the toilet flush 

All our rubbish 

Going down the pan. 

OK 

* * * 

I’ll bin the gardening clothes. 

Buy a dress or two 

Buy some new pants. 

Definitely get some new friends. 

 

I’ll visit my neighbours 

I have the perfect opener: 

 

“Hello. Sorry to bother you. I’m new to the flats. 

Could you tell me 

Which day is Bin Day.” 

Find you copy here 

About the author  

Linda is a Dorset playwright who has had short plays and monologues performed at Southwark Playhouse, Leicester Square Theatre, The Bunker and Drayton Theatre, and in the West Country: Salisbury Playhouse, Arts Centre and Fringe Festival, Exeter and Plymouth Fringe and Bristol Bierkeller. She has written four full-length plays which have reached short or long lists of Bristol Old Vic Open Session and/or Salisbury Playhouse New Writers Award.