A glint of sun cut
between the slats and caught Amanda in the eye. Woken by Vincenzo’s operatic
snoring, she sat up and smoothed her dress. Vincenzo, unsurprisingly a blanket
hog, had the covers pulled all around him. He’d been far drunker than she,
quite blotto actually when they’d first met, and she wondered if she should
wake him.
She picked up her
phone, opened that app and checked yesterday’s big post. There he was –
Bret Tuck. Instantly, she was back in her childhood bedroom, the movie theatre
with friends as a teenager, just back a few people behind the barricade between
people like her and the red carpet. If she’d gotten there half an hour early,
she could’ve gotten a selfie.
Vincenzo’s snoring popped
and he startled himself awake. He sat up, glanced around manically, then fell
back to bed.
Surely, he wouldn’t
mind if she took a peek at the balcony. Maybe even had a cigarette off it.
After all, last night he wouldn’t shut up about his room and how much she’d
like it. For both of them, it’d been the perfect end to two amazing, and very
different days. She stood up went to the balcony door that was gently tapping
the frame.
It took her a minute,
but she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
“What’d you say? We
need a fourth to split it,” Tomas her flatmate’s friend’s boyfriend explained.
Amanda was doing a
semester in London. Her fellow Yank and flatmate Laura had a cousin who had a
friend who “was a fellow cinephile” Laura just had to meet. Sofia and her
boyfriend met them for drinks before a movie, and about a month later,
mentioned that they were planning on attending a film festival on the
continent.
“Well, an island. Of
the continent, not the city. Our friends were planning to join, but they had to
back out because of work, and we’re looking for someone to split the
accommodation,” Tomas said.
Amanda still hadn’t
seen much of Europe between classes, which were harder than she expected, and
the partying, which went harder than she’d anticipated. This was killing two
birds with one stone, and even the late August heat – drenching everything with
sweat – couldn’t damper the wonder as they caught the public water taxi to the
canal-strewn neighbourhood to their (relatively) cheap rental, which was muggy
and musty and seemingly always under attack by mosquitos.
The next day the four
of them grabbed a coffee and a public water taxi and made their way to the
makeshift plaza where the festival was held every year.
“Oh my god, who is
that?” Amanda asked as they walked past the red carpet on their way to some
arty indie.
“I’m not sure. I think
a Spanish film is having its premier, so it’s probably not be anyone we know,”
Tomas shrugged. “The day after tomorrow’s the crazy day.”
Amanda couldn’t see the
actual red carpet, except on the huge screens posted above like billboards that
showed the action. The carpet walkway was cordoned off and surrounded by
paparazzi and press lined against the barrier. On the other side of the barrier
were the fans mobbing and crowding on tip toes with phones aloft desperately
snapping. Most of them looked young, barely old enough to drink, even in Italy.
People loitering on the stretch with the main red carpet tended to fall into
two camps: those camping out and dressed for the long haul and those who were
immaculately dressed as if they were celebrities.
“What’s happening the
day after tomorrow?” Sofia asked.
“Bret Tuck and George
Pitner’s new movie is premiering, so they’ll be here.”
“I didn’t know Bret
Tuck was going to be here. He’s gorgeous,” Amanda said.
“Yeah, apparently the
film’s shit,” Tomas said, “but the festival needs star power.” He pulled out
his phone. “Oof, we’ve gotta hoof it if we’re going to get to the showing on
time.”
It was during the next
day that Amanda started thinking of the logistics.
“How early do you think
I’d have to get there to get a picture of Bret Tuck?” she asked Tomas.
“Hmmm…I’m not sure. I’m
not really a celebrity person. Maybe an hour?”
The premier of Bret
Tuck’s new movie would be in the middle of their nightly double bill.
A woman who looked like
a model in impeccable makeup and a glittering, revealing dress walked by.
“What’s with all the
fancy dress people walking around?” Amanda said misusing the Britishism. “Are
they famous?”
Yet another young
woman, probably not even in her twenties, swung past. A pack of similar girls,
aspiring to the glitz but lacking the grace then passed.
“I think people just do
that here,” Sofia said. “I guess it’s something to do if you’re a local. Maybe
they’re trying to get noticed. Or meet a movie star. Some of them are probably
publicists and influencers.”
The next day, she went
to the afternoon screening then excused herself.
“Good luck,” Tomas
said.
“We’re let you know how
the movies are,” Sofia added.
She left the plaza,
went to a café near the main drag, and then went into the bathroom and changed
into the sexiest dress she’d brought, a tasteful, summery cocktail dress, did
her makeup, and put her hair up. She’d planned on a nerdy, beachy holiday – great
for the socials but maybe not up to snuff when all of the locals looked like
models.
She got their fifteen minutes before the premier began and was able to jostle her way through. She
keyed up her phone, set the filter, and hovered her finger over the record
button. Evening was approaching, but the sun hadn’t yet set, and a stale heat
was still lingering. She was grateful for the sea breeze wafting over. Then
cars starting pulling up, and the crowd gasped cautiously in unison. Car doors
opened to nothing but polite applause. Then the crowd roared. Record.
It was him. His hair
was long. The magnificence of his genes was on full display in a fitted tux
that screamed elegance. He turned to the crowd behind the barricade, smiled,
and waved. The crowd went wild, but Amanda kept steady while smiling broadly.
He went to the barricade and started taking selfies with the people closest.
Amanda beamed. A publicist came up to him, touched his arm, and motioned
inside. He took one last selfie, waved goodbye, and went inside.
She was planning on
joining her friends at the theatre, but the movie would still be playing. She
composed her caption and hit post on the video. The sun was setting. She went
to the lounge sponsored by the aperitivo maker and ordered a drink at the bar.
When she’d finished, there was still time to kill, so she ordered another.
“Quale film è qui per
promuovere?” Vincenzo asked sidling up to her.
Bret Tuck shirtless,
right there, three balconies away. Sure, she’d been closer last night, but not
with a view this unobstructed. His bottoms were slung low, sweetly plain, with
the V of his torso partially visible. She squeaked, but he didn’t look over.
Then what happened
shocked her. He reached his hand to his face, extended his index finger, stuck
it into his nose, and started ferreting around. Amanda didn’t know why, but she
put down the pack of cigarettes and took out her phone. She tried to move
quickly but quietly, but he was clearly in no rush. She snapped one with it in
there. Just as soon as she had, he pulled his finger out and stared at a
medium-sized booger. Amanda saw the minor clump of green and gave it features.
Perhaps it had a hair on it. Maybe flecks of brown or puss yellow. Bret scraped
his finger on the balcony then went back into the room. Amanda waited for
several minutes then had a cigarette, hoping the smell would lure him outside.
Alas, he was gone.
She went back in.
Vincenzo was stirring awake.
“Ah, still here,” he
said rubbing his eyes. “Take my number. If you want.”
Once she was in the
hall, she three doors over. She quietly walked down. The door was ajar. She
glimpsed into it. She briefly thought…but no. No mad dash.
“Ha bisogno di
qualcosa, signorina? Qual è la sua stanza?” a voice thundered from the down the
hall. It looked a maid. She was practically shouting. “Se c'è un problema, me
lo dica!”
Maybe she could tell
Amanda wasn’t a guest. Besides, it was a windy day. The thing probably wouldn’t
be there anymore.
By the time she got
back to her group, her post was doing a fair bit of business, at least for her
circles.
“That’s so cool,” Laura
said. “I can’t believe you got to party with the publicists! Did you see anyone
famous?”
At first, Amanda said
nothing about the booger. “He kept pointing people out, but I don’t think I
knew them. I think he thought I was in the biz.”
“That’s crazy. Today’s
gonna be boring compared to that,” Tomas said.
She took a shower and,
since the water pressure was off, brought her hair brush for good measure.
Drying off and applying her skin cream, she looked at the booger photo. She
didn’t think he’d want it out there, and she wasn’t that kind of person.
Revelling in someone’s private moment for their own attention. So, she simply
atted him.
“@brettuckofficial, can
you get in touch? got something you want!”
As soon as she sent it,
she unsent it. He must get messages like this all the time. Besides, he
probably has a team she’d have to go through. She went back to his account and
hit the message button.
“Hi Team Bret. I think
I have something you’d be interested in…”
She deleted the last
sentence. What did she actually want here? She thought for a minute.
“Hi Team Bret. Just
wanted you to know I happened to snap this cute photo…”
She paused.
“…obvi I’d never
post...”
The knives came out.
“…but maybe if Bret’s
still around, we could do a quick photo.”
After the first movie,
she checked her messages and found nothing. Someone had seen the message, that
much was clear.
“Hey Team Bret. I get
if Bret’s not around anymore, but maybe he could just send me a personal dm.”
Seen instantly. No
response.
She went into the next
movie. After fifteen minutes, she opened her bag, squeezed her phone, and looked for
any notification. A light hovered over her. The usher was shining a light to
shame her. They really don’t fuck around here, she thought. She sat back and
watched the rest of the movie. Focusing on something else for the first time
that day, she lost herself.
Once the movie was
over, they convened outside.
“I thought it was
amazing,” Sofia said. “The woman who played the mother was great.”
“Yeah,” Tomas said.
“The whole thing caught me by surprise. Did you like it?”
“Yeah, it was really
good,” Laura said. “Panda?”
“I thought it was
really good,” Amanda said. She paused. “It was just so real.”
“It’s not a
documentary,” Tomas said.
“No, I know, yeah,”
Amanda said. She reached for her phone.
It was only after the
last movie when they were heading home and there’d still been no response, that
Amanda had an idea.
In the morning, she
DMed Bump Daily. The response came after the group’s first cappuccino.
“Hi TeamBret,” she
typed. “Got an offer. No hard feelings.”
Once it went live on Bump
Daily, she posted her own version and took questions from the caption
throughout the day.
“@katwheel yeah he did
finish. wiped it on the wall”.
“omg this is [link]”.
Amanda was taken to
what seemed to be an Italian or European version of eBay. Once it came through
the translator, she realized what it was, or supposed to be. She instantly
thought of the maid who’d scared her out of the hall.
After they got out of
the first movie, she checked her phone. It had sold for €5,000.
She checked again
during the early dinner before the evening double bill. It looked like the
booger had made it to eBay.
During the break
between the two movies, she saw that it was now going for upwards of $7,500.
By the end of the
second movie, as they were queuing for the water taxi back to their
accommodation, a George Pitner booger had found its way to the bidders.
“Fresh from Toronto!
Still slimy!” the description read.
The next morning, a
cease-and-desist order had stopped the Pitner sale, but a new one (“super
crusty”) was now on the market. While Tomas and Sofia would stay on for a
couple more days, this was Laura and Amanda’s last day.
As they sat down for
their last dinner together, Amanda felt compelled to speak.
“Let me pay for this
one,” she said.
“You really don’t have
to do that,” Sofia said.
“No, I want to,” she
said.
“Really, it’s okay,”
Tomas said.
“No, please,” she
scolded. The three stirred in discomfort. She saw them exchanging shifty looks.
“I…I can explain.”
“Hmmm…” Tomas began
after she’d explained where her dinner money came from. “I kinda wish you
explained when we weren’t thinking of food. But that is hilarious.”
“Dinner’s on you,”
Sofia said.
Laura was rapt on her
phone. “Have you checked MarketMarket?” she asked Amanda finally.
“No. Why?”
Laura held out her
phone and saw a slew of celebrity-alleged boogers, eye crust, and lip skin on
sale.
“Do you think any of
it’s real?”
“Check out this one!”
Sofia said handing her phone over.
Kis Kimiyian, super
influencer, was now hawking her nose fruit in neon-tinged vials.
“What a mad world,”
Tomas said laughing.
The double bill was a
strange one. The first one, a highly anticipated work by an auteur, hit them
all differently. Amanda and Sofia thought it was okay – good themes,
sumptuously thought – Laura thought it was disappointing, and Tomas thought it
was outright bad. The second one, by a local filmmaker none had heard of, was beautiful
and good, but also patient, static, slow.
On the ride home,
Amanda sat in the outside area of the public water taxi and watched the island
fade from view. She thought she could espy the hotel where it all went down,
but she couldn’t be sure. As they sped through the canal, she saw a rustic
looking building with a party in full swing on the roof, with a projector and
strobe and only the outlines of impossibly beautiful people swaying in clothes
that were impossibly elegant and soft. A private, smaller taxi sped by, and her
boat splashed into its tiny wake. A glop of water plopped up and splashed her.
She felt the salt on her face wriggle into her pores.
About the author
BJ Thoray is a writer/editor active in the nonprofit space. BJ’s publication credits include The Aesthete, Forum, Rundelania!, Black Cat Press, Mobile Data Mag, Prosetrics, and Kosmos Obscura. Originally from California, BJ is currently based in Belgium, less for the waffles, more for the surrealism. More work:
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