Saturday Sample: Weird Science by Doug Hawley, energy drink

 

BETTER LIVING THROUGH ELECTRONICS

1

We are playing LA.  Since LA beat us in the finals last year, it’s always great to beat them.  I would not be surprised if we meet them in the finals this year.  No question, we will win in four.  Tonight, we are playing in LA.  Clearly, the game will be decided at the end.

No surprise, we are down a point with ten seconds to go and we have the ball.  I think that we have the best point guard in the NBA.  Will Jackson is third in the NBA in assists, gets a few rebounds and scores in double digits.  At 6’5” he has either height or speed on every opposing guard.  Stan Novack, a Polish import, starts at small forward.  Damn fast for a white man, and holds his own by doing the little things – setting picks, getting some rebounds and playing good team D.  Our shooting guard, Steve Goodman is two years out of high school and fifth in the league in scoring.  He doesn’t do much else, but the rest of us handle everything else.  Center Keith Daniels is a 7’4” center from Brigham Young.  He is so white, he is almost invisible, but he is tops in the league in blocked shots and fourth in rebounds.  He doesn’t have much shooting range, but unlike Shaq, he is an 80% free throw shooter, so he gets his share of close in shots and dunks as well as making lots of free throws.  The bench?  Well, the bench is what management could afford after paying for our superb starting lineup – some guys on the way down, some on the way up, and some who were available.

Oh, yeah that leaves the power forward, ME.  James (not Jim or Jimmy) Jones.  Based on my size, a lot of people think of me as the next Shaq.  No way.  Shaq used to tell Karl Malone not to take his shirt off in the locker room because Karl was so ripped.  Based on my physique and the way I play (except for not hurting so many other players), I think that I am the natural successor to Mr. Malone as THE power forward of my generation. Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett are good, but they are at the end of their careers, and I’m the future.  Don’t believe, look at the numbers.  No brag, just facts.

I know that I said there were just ten seconds left, how can I be saying all this?  Times like this, things slow down. It’s relativity or something that I can’t explain. Will drives, but is covered on the way to the basket, so he kicks the ball out to Steve.  My man turns his head, Steve makes one of his rare passes in to me, and I dunk.  If the backboards weren’t reinforced, it would have shattered.  Thunder and lighting, man.

Three seconds on the clock.  LA takes their time out.  Being LA, most of the crowd has left.  They get the ball to Kobe, Keith stuffs him, game over.

Back to the hotel, feeling good.  Much as I hate LA as a city and as an NBA team, I love the women, and the feeling is mutual.  Most of the team get their pick of the women, but Keith is a married straight arrow and Steve, well we wonder about Steve.  I try to alternate the races as an affirmative action kind of guy.  White – black – white – black – whose turn is it?  Holy Moses, think I’ll have Chinese tonight.  She’s big – maybe 5’10” and built like a porn queen with a beautiful porcelain skin.

Got myself a winner.  We discussed life before, during and after.  She had rebelled against her parents and wishes to marry a nice Chinese boy.  While in college she developed a taste for black athletes.  She is pretty athletic herself.  Obviously studied the Kama Sutra.  She is currently a college professor in English lit.  She is widely traveled and very sophisticated.                      

    2

Horace Cram cleared 5’ – barely.  His moustache was visible – barely.  Legs – hairless.  Charisma – none.  Intelligence – fairly high about unimportant things.  All this in a pear-shaped package.   His bifocals make him look like an illustration of a nerd in an encyclopedia.  Imagine a short, even uglier Bill Gates. Behind his back, people joked about his assberger’s syndrome – a play on the word for a high performing autistic.  By a stroke of fortune, he also had some of a nerd’s ability at electrical engineering and is employed testing new media products at Electrowiz.  He has hopes that his stock would explode with Electrowiz’s new product.

 “Hey Jane, join me for coffee.”

“Sorry, Horace I’ve got a ton of work and can’t leave my desk.  No time to talk, no time to walk.”

Jane is 3” taller than Horace before the puts on her heels, makes more than he does, is classically attractive without trying, in short way out of his league.  She has turned him down ten times, but Horace rations his attentions so as not be in the total obsessive stalker mold.

Horace does a quick calculation and decides he can ask about an after-work beer in two weeks.       

3

We are jamming in Cleveland.  I know, I know, I know.  Cleveland.  But we are always out of our heads in Cleveland.  Out of body, out of mind.  Crazy.  We are tighter when we should be tight, looser when we should be loose. 

As always, we are mixing it up.  Segues are for kids or the anal retentive.  We switch from our Afro-Cuban signature “TimbucHavana2” to our “Honky Tonk Women” cover.  More horns on the former, more guitar on the latter.  Got to have our swing medley later.  Hot lights, hotter music.  We are all virtuosos, but my name and piano lead the way.

I’m Gonzales.  People like to guess about me.  I think that a little mystery is a good thing.  I’m from Cuba, but my Ingles is pretty good.  I picked up a good university education along the way.  Although I have stuck with music all the way, my curiosity led me into courses on physics, literature and politics.  With my shaved head, brown goatee and light brown skin my “race” is unclear to my fans.  It is to me as well, but I suspect there are some African, European and Indio in there.

I grab a saxophone.  I only do this when I’m really feeling good.  It is time to cover Ray’s “The Nighttime is the Right Time”.  We learned so much from him, I wish he were still around.  We could, and have, played Ray all night.  There were a few months after he died when we did nothing but tributes.  The good stuff, not much of the Country stuff (some exceptions –“I’m Movin’ On” and “You Are My Sunshine”).  We worked with Drown In My own Tears, Hard Times and “Tell the Truth”.  We had to augment our backup vocals, but we had some great singers along.

After a little experimentation with mind-bending drug and drink, I’ve limited myself to a couple of drinks a night.  Despite what I thought I was doing after grass or coke, the recordings always showed that the band sucked.  I’ve had to can a few players, who would not walk the line, but we are the better for it, and I don’t want to be an enabler.  Being sober allows the band to do something different than any other group that I know – we go for a short run or walk after our final set.  This has cut us off from some who think that a popular band has to be into weird stuff, but it works for us and has connected us to a lot of fans who might not otherwise notice us.  We move to some Santana covers, some old Fats Domino, and close with the obscure, but stone groove “Goin’ Home Tomorrow” by Little Richard.  We get a lot of love from the audience before we take off for the Big Apple tomorrow.

4

Horace is not connecting with humans.  Maybe a cat would help his loneliness.  If a cat worked, he might work his way up to a dog.  If not, he could retreat to an amphibian or reptile of some sort.

A trip to the pound gives him plenty of alternatives.  First, he eliminates the aloof cats.  He has had enough of that with people.  He finally picks two sisters so they can entertain each other while he is at work. 

The cat thing turns out pretty well.  Caring for the cats distracts Horace somewhat from his dismal waking hours and gives him something to do besides his work.  The two tabbies have intriguingly different personalities.  The orange one, Sherry, grows a lot and is very placid and clingy.  The black one, Beelzebub (usually Bub), is wiry, loud and independent.  Bub tries to run the whole house.

The cats are working, maybe he can try people again.

5

Pretty damn good for a small-town boy from Springfield.  In my second term as U. S. Senator, I’m given credit for balancing the budget and bringing peace to much of the world.  There that seems to be little question Joe Jackson, (great political name and what is on my birth certificate) will be the next president.  The incumbent, that hypocritical, incompetent Samuel Dyer probably won’t run again.  He has so discredited the Repubs with his deficits and his foreign wars right out of “Wag the Dog” that they will probably run some sacrificial lamb even crazier than he is.  Dick Cheney has been mentioned and he hasn’t been out of the hospital for six months.  The only democrat talking about running against me is Hillary and she is so unpopular that Dyer beat her last time around.  The idiot war criminal Bush is being asked not to say anything for fear of cutting out the last few Republican members of congress. 

After Dyer won by the slimmest of margins, the Republicans had completely run out of gas.  They would have been better off to have lost because as the opposition they would have had some support.  When Dyer started to talk about invading Iran, he lost almost all of his dwindling support.  The few Republicans left in congress after the midterm elections wouldn’t even support him.  Business was hurting so bad from the Republican deficits, they told him to raise taxes.  He is now a sick, beaten fifty-five year old man who seemed so young and strong just two years ago.  He was the Republican John Kennedy in terms of charm.  Now he is the stupid, ugly Ted Kennedy of Republicans.

The public wanted a new voice.  Hillary was a loser.  The rest of the pack was old, old, old news and tied to unpopular interest groups or ideas.  Joe Jackson the previously unknown is in the right place at the right time. 

The public was finally ready to quit the Republican imperialism, but it was my legislation that reduced military expenditures to those of the European Union.  My legislation got our troops out of the Far East, the Middle East and Europe.  If South Korea did not want us there, why should we be there?

Rationing medicine was very unpopular at first, but when the public learned the percent of expenditures on people 80 and up, and for babies that would never have much of a life; I was able to push through laws limiting payments for lost causes.  We will save billions.

With these political breakthroughs, my plans for reforming energy and cutting the trade deficit as a consequence are eagerly awaited.  I’m John McCain, only much better.  It’s hard to be humble, but I have to work on it for the news conferences.

6

Horace says his work on Dream Ware is ready for Beta testing. There are hundreds of male nerds and fat chicks lined up for testing. To make it simple, the first version has a short menu for directed dreaming:

            Sports star

                  Football

                  Soccer

                  Tennis

                  Baseball

                  Basketball

                  Cricket (only outside the Americas)

            Politics

                  Senator

                  Representative

                  President

                  Prime Minister (non-US)

            Entertainer

                  Singer

                  Musician

                  Actor

                  Celebrity

                  Rehab

      The usual gender and orientations choices

 

If the tests are successful, Electrowiz expects to sell 500 million units for $3,000 each at a profit of $500 million.  Horace is given a $10 million bonus and allowed to work his own hours.  “Total Recall”, at least during dreaming, is now an affordable reality rather than science fiction, but most users don’t look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime.

7

The next day Jane asks Horace out for coffee.  He gladly accepts.  During the coffee date, Horace says to Jane, “You know, you are looking really good today.  May I take your picture?”  Jane says “Sure.”

As they go back to work, Jane tells Horace, “Say, why don’t we see each other outside work?”  Horace says “I’ll have to check my schedule, but I’ll see you in my dreams.”

8

In the future, Horace only shows up for work about three hours a day, saying that he’s working on something at home.  He avoids Jane and buys a lot of sleeping pills.

                                             

Dark

 

by Doug Hawley

 Dark Hill Porter

 

Jackie Helms was doing her periodic review of the employee groups’ health data for her employer Healthion Insurance, when one set of numbers jumped out at her.  The claims rate for Dark Hill Brewers was 45% of normal for similar size employers.  She immediately questioned the results, because the next best results were 80% of normal for Jackson’s Department Stores.  After rechecking, she came up with the same numbers.  Next, she looked at previous results for Dark Hill and found out that the previous year Dark Hill was at 105%.  She ran some tests to see if the results were credible for the sample size and found out that they were to plus or minus 5%.

Jackie was completely convinced the results were legitimate, but had no idea about how they could be explained.  The approved corporate procedure was to pass the oddity along to her supervisor Jane Goodway, but Jane was known to take all the credit for any good work.  To get some credit for her discovery, Jackie emailed chief underwriter Stan Henson.  In turn, Stan invited her to lunch to talk about Dark Hill.  

Stan said ‘I just happen to know their head of personnel.  Let’s go talk to him.’

Jackie responded ‘Don’t you mean human resources?’

‘One of the things that I like about the Dark Hill execs is that they are dinosaurs like me.  No ‘human resources’, ‘people of color’, ‘issues’ or ‘Baker City’ for us.  We think that the language that we used twenty years ago worked just fine.  Somebody dying of cancer doesn’t have ‘health issues’ for god’s sake, he has a health problem.  If the town is ‘Hood River’ in Hood River County, why can’t ‘Baker City’ in Baker County still be ‘Baker’?’

Jackie tended to agree with Stan, but she kept quiet because Stan’s rants could go on for half an hour if encouraged.

Stan seemed to catch Jackie’s attitude and moved on.  ‘The two of us will have lunch with their guy Will James next Friday and see if he has any ideas.  I’ll clear it with Jane.’

They met in the Dark Hill cafeteria.  Will greeted them with ‘What a good looking couple of white people.  How are you today and who is this beauty you brought with you?’  Jackie was a little surprised to see a black man in a largely white industry in largely white Bend.

‘We are good Will.  Jackie is one of our ace statisticians and you are definitely a good looking example of your race.’

The guys laughed a lot, but Jackie couldn’t help feeling a little uncomfortable.  Later she understood that it was their silly guy stuff.

‘Here’s the deal Will.  Jackie applied her advanced mathematics skills to find out that your health claims record is way better than average the last year, but couldn’t find any explanation.  She tried similar employee groups and groups for your region.  We matched demographics.  In every case Dark Hill aced everyone else by a large margin.  So we are here to find out what you are doing right.’

‘That is a puzzler.  Personally, I’m very healthy as you no doubt know, because I clean your clock every time that we go one on one on the basketball court.  Not only that, but the girls always want me to be skins.  I hadn’t thought about it before, but I do think that we are trending down on sick days.  Right now I can’t think of anything that’s changed in the last year that would change our claims stats, but I’ll give it a little more thought.  Maybe I’ll need to let you know in person.  How is the fishing around Wilsonville?’

‘I’ll need to find out before you visit.’

‘I might show up sooner if all of the statisticians at Healthion look like Jackie.’

‘We are getting on troubling grounds, as somebody in human resources, I mean personnel, should know.  It could be actionable harassment if I told you that Jackie is by far our best looking statistician.’

Jackie worked at keeping a straight face.

On the way back to Wilsonville Jackie asked ‘How do you know Will so well?’

‘We were fraternity brothers at U of O and both of us were a couple of give a shit jokers, so we naturally bonded together against the tight-asses.  Plus we both liked our dads’ music – Little Richard, Everly Brothers, Ray Charles and like that and were crazy about the Trail Blazers.  He’s married, so I can’t fix him you up with him, but I can set you up with one of his unmarried brothers.’

‘No thanks.’

‘Don’t like black guys or do you prefer girls?’

‘None of your damned business, but I usually date guys and I’ve dated guys from every recognized ethnic group and some others that only I know about.’

‘Sorry about my insensitivity, but I’ve got a mental disability – I’m a guy.  How about broken hearts?’

‘So far theirs seven and mine five, so I’m up two on the scoreboard.  Right now I’m in play.’

It occurred to both of them that it had gotten a little too personal and they didn’t say anything for the next half hour and pretended to watch Smith Rocks north of Bend and then the trees on US26 east of Mt. Hood.

Stan broke the ice with ‘So aren’t you too bright for your position at Healthion? Not that I’m suggesting you leave.’

‘Short answer, yes I am too bright for my position at Healthion.  Longer answer, it requires so little of my mind that I can work on my poetry and math games in my head while I’m at work.’

Stan just gawped in response to her revelation.  He hoped he didn’t look as stupid as he felt.

‘My turn.  Since we are getting personal, how long ago were you and Will at the U of O.’

‘About mumble years ago.’

‘You really just said mumble in place of a number?’

‘Yeah, you would never believe the actual number because I look sooo much younger.’

Jackie snorted and some snot came out of her nose, and then they were both guffawing out of control.  Rather than being grossed out, Stan was enchanted.

At that point in the trip, they felt so comfortable with each other that they started to run scenarios internally.  Jackie thought he’s got to be married or gay and Stan thought there has to be some rule about dating a fellow employee.

They were both wrong.

Three weeks after the trip to Dark Hill, Will called up to ask about the fishing around Wilsonville.  Stan said ‘No idea, but why don’t you come up here and I’ll take you to Wankers Corner which has good beer and all the free peanuts that you can eat.  Is this just personal, or do you have an answer about your health claims?’

‘Before I answer your question, I have one.  Does wanker mean the same thing in Wilsonville that it does in Britain?’

‘I’ve wondered that for years.  I suspect it means something different in Wilsonville.  Probably named after Franklin Wanker, or something like that.’

‘OK, I’ll answer your question.  I have an idea why our claims are so low, but you probably won’t believe it.  Anyway, I want you to take me to dinner and hang out.  You know Wilsonville isn’t that far from Bend, buddy.’

‘Damn straight, we don’t see enough of each other, brother from a different mother.’

‘Stan, please cut out the cheese.’

‘OK, that was overboard.’

The next day Will got into Wilsonville and stored some overnight stuff at Stan’s place.  Will refused to answer questions about business until they got to Wankers Corner, started on their first beer and shelled some peanuts. 

‘OK, spill.  Now.’

‘I see they don’t serve any Dark Hill Stout here.  The customers are in line for a lot of health problems.’

‘Huh?’

‘OK, be as skeptical as you want.  After racking my brain and asking around the brewery, I was reminded that we started to send a monthly case of beer home with all the employees a year and a half ago.  It was cheaper than raises, and it made for happy workers, sometimes too happy.  That is the only thing that changed at the time our loss ratio improved.  You need to start charging us less for health coverage.’

Without commenting on cheaper health coverage, Stan said ‘So beer drinkers are healthier?  I have a hard time believing that.’

‘First, it’s not just any beer, its dark beer.  More specifically, it is the Dark Hill Stout, the one that we send home with them.’

‘Well, yeah I’m skeptical until we can do more research.’

‘I’m good with that.  Let’s have another round of this unhealthy beer.’

After they started their second, Will asked ‘Are you still hanging out with those bimbos since Joyce left?’

‘Don’t start.’

‘Listen, you do know that they are seeing you for your stash.  Worse, they could give you the gift that keeps discharging.’

‘Hey, I’m a big boy now, I know about condoms.’

‘Here’s what I find troubling.  You are working with a beautiful and bright woman.  I’m talking about Jackie.  Anything going on there?  Oh, so you can still blush.’

‘It must be my Irish.  I have to use SPF 1000 outdoors.  Look, she’s a co-worker, there are ethical considerations.’

‘Just in case you don’t remember, I’m head of personnel at Dark Hill.  There is probably no problem if you are not in the same chain of command.’

Stan considered that and answered.  ‘No, we are parallel in the organization.  Not that I’m considering a romance.’

‘Sure you’re not.’

‘I don’t know how you can use my explanation for the good health at Dark Hill, but I’m going to put our chemists on it and see if they can find out if our beer is different somehow.  I see another Nobel prize in it for me.’

‘Another Nobel prize?’

‘I got my first one when I disconnected my door bell.’

‘Arghh - more drink, less talk.’

Meanwhile Stan didn’t know that Jackie had already checked around and found out that Stan was divorced and very heterosexual, but she didn’t want to make the first move.

Just to be sure, Stan checked with his personnel department and found out that strictly hypothetically he could date Jackie.  Given the possibility of a healthy relationship, he realized how miserable that he had been since Joyce left him ‘to find herself’.  A part of ‘finding herself’ involved a poetry professor at Portland State.  Under his tutelage, she is trying to get her self-involved poetic treasures published.

With the decks cleared, they approached each other cautiously like two porcupines.  It started with lunches together at work, progressed to hikes and picnics and went to weekends at either his or her place.  Without any formal announcement, they became recognized as a couple.

After some phone conversations Will and Stan realized that even though they had been best friends in college, it had been a year between their last visit and Stan’s business trip to Bend.  For years after college they had been close, but they had gone their own ways for some time.  Will assumed, correctly, that some of their estrangement had been caused by Stan’s turmoil with Joyce.  Stan had felt so betrayed and guilty about Joyce’s racism, that he felt awkward around Will even after Joyce left him.  Joyce would give unsubtle hints like ‘Can’t you find better friends?’

Stan insisted ‘It’s about 150 miles; we got to trade visits at least once a month.’

‘OK, you come to my place first.’

‘OK if I bring Jackie?’

‘Listen, I am so happy that you have started making some good decisions, even though it is late in your life.’

‘Are you still claiming that we were friends in college when you were there ten years ago, and I was there twenty years ago even though the math doesn’t work?’

‘How wrong can I be when everyone believes me?’

‘So how about I show up Friday evening in a couple of weeks?  Maybe you’ll be able to explain your miracle elixir by then.’

‘It’s a plan.  Jody will barbeque and you will be expected to entertain the kids.’

At Will’s place, Jackie joyfully took over entertaining the kids; leading Stan to wonder why Jackie hadn’t already married and started a family.  Before dismissing the thought as presumptuous, he thought ‘Better for me.’

Left to talk business and drink beer, Will led with ‘It’s the terroir.’

Before Will could say anything else, Stan said ‘That’s wine talk isn’t it?’

‘I can see that you are in for an education.  Dark beers are bitter because they are very ‘hoppy’ and hops depend on the climate and soil in which they are grown.  Our research staff has found out that the fields around Hubbard where our hops are grown have unique properties that may not be found anywhere else.  It has unusual proportions of selenium, copper and other trace elements, probably from volcanic eruptions.  It also contains some organic compounds that we have not identified yet.  The unique soil produces unique hops.  We can’t explain the health benefits yet, but the staff swears that our hops are the reason for them.  It is possible that other dark beers may also convey some health benefits.’

Stan and Will went about their business, exchanging visits over the next several months.  Stan and Jackie became as much a couple as Will and Jody.  At one of the visits Will was all smiles ‘We presented all the stats that we have along with the analysis of the hops and now all of those government alphabets – FDA and so on, will allow us to make legitimate health claims for Dark Hill Stout.  Our analysis of competitive dark beers indicates that they have some of the healthy ingredients that we have, but not all.  Of course, we won’t tell them that, they’ll have to find out for themselves.  In the meantime, we will boost our production of our stout as much as possible while continuing to be a craft brewery.  We have quietly bought up some land with similar makeup to our original supplier, so we can get a lot more hops.’

‘Are you sure that the public will go for it?’

‘I’ve been talking to newspaper and TV medical columnists.  They are buying in.  Believe me, this will be huge.  But wait there is more – I’ve been checking our employee records and the divorce rate is way below expected.  I think that our stout makes people happier as well as healthier.’

‘Couldn’t it be that any beer makes people happier?’

‘Stan, you know better than that.  Heavy drinkers have much higher rates of depression and divorce.  For whatever reason, we think that our stout drinkers quit after drinking just enough to elevate their mood, but not enough to be roaring drunk.’

Back in Wilsonville, a very nervous Stan said to Jackie ‘Listen, I don’t want to spend any more of my life being single.  You are the one, please marry me.  I want to start a family now.’

Jackie, who had wondered if Stan would ever get around to asking, wasted no time saying yes.

Will was the best man at the wedding and Jackie’s sisters and Jody were bridesmaids.  They kept it small, because Jackie had no interest in spectacles and Stan remembered the aftermath of the huge, expensive wedding to Joyce.

A month later Jackie was expecting and she and Stan were overjoyed.

Dark Hill had found a way to make a hop supplement, which didn’t taste too good, but had most of the health and happiness effects of the beer.  Now teetotalers and those that didn’t want to stay buzzed continuously could reap the benefits of Dark Hill Stout.

Dark Hill was rolling in money and the employees’ profit sharing plan made them rich.  Tourists flocked to Bend to visit the brewery and many stayed.  The introduction of Dart Hill Stout by an industrial brewer in New Jersey, with a label which was almost the same as Dark Hill Stout was a small wrinkle, but the Dark Hill lawyers handled that quickly.

Jackie gave birth to a healthy Andy and eleven months later to an equally healthy Sandra.

Will called Stan a couple of years after the discovery of the wonders of Dark Hill Stout.  ‘One thing that we didn’t study earlier is that the stout doubles fertility.  As with all the other properties, we know what happens, but not why.’

Two years after Jackie originally noticed the superb claims ratio at Dark Hill, syndicated columnist Jason Atkins wrote a column ‘The ‘Dark Ages’ Are A New Golden Age’ in response to the improved mental and physical health of the US caused by Dark Hill Stout and Dark Hill Pills.

After five years of peace and prosperity the Federal Office Of Budget and Management announced that the standard of living in the United States would be cut in half in fifteen years due to the burgeoning costs of educating the increasing number of students and social security for seniors who were living ten years longer.

This story appeared earlier in Potluck (closed) and Commuter Lit

About the author

The author is a little old man