Saturday 1 February 2020

Foolish Fool

by James McMillan 

large Pinot Grigio 

What is this that I see on our close circuit TV? Could it be? Yes, it could. It's a customer. Somebody is actually thinking of buying one of our cars. A fool is walking around our forecourt. Which one is he interested in? Not the BMW we can sell that to anybody. Please not the Astra. Now let him walk past the Nissan. Go to the Mini. No! I said not the Astra. Yes, yes, he is walking towards the Mini. There is a God, I always knew there was. Have a good look you lovely young man but not too good a look. He seems to be interested, so not just a fool but a foolish fool. Now come towards the office, I will pretend I am on the phone. Yes Madam, your car will be ready for you tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you then. Not at all, only too pleased to help, goodbye. Hello, can I help you? 

I am looking for another car.   

Well you have come to the right place at the right time my friend. We have some really nice ones at the moment. Have you had a walk around outside and seen one you like? 

The Mini might suit me and the girlfriend. 

(You foolish fool. It’s falling apart.) Oh really. That one might have been reserved. I will have to check with my boss. It's in very good nick and I know he was thinking of showing it to his nephew. If you have a seat, I will pop into his office and check. 

Got somebody who is interested in the Mini. No, don't laugh he might hear you. I told him I would have to check with you because you said you might take it for your nephew. I know you don't have a nephew. I know you said it was a rust bucket and we would have to send it to the auctions. But he is interested, and we can flog it to him just as long as it doesn’t fall apart on his test drive. I'm not sure it can make it round the block. Stop laughing! He will hear you! 

Good news my friend. The boss has now seen a Fiesta that he has lined up for his nephew. So, the Mini is available and it's a cracking little runner, shall we go and have a good look at it. When you sit inside there's an incredible amount of room. You can really stretch out and get comfortable in the driving seat. (And foolish fool the fact that you're a bit of a Tiny Tim helps.) Have you a trade in?  

No, my last car failed its MOT a few months ago and since then I have been working overtime to get enough money for a replacement. 

We can certainly help you with finance. We have an arrangement with a finance company who can lend you what you need at a good interest rate. (Actually, foolish fool, it's a hell of a lot more than the big banks charge but as long as we get our money we don’t care.)  

Now just take a good look, no scratches or dents, immaculate paintwork and just look at those nearly new tyres. Kick one of those tyres and it will kick you right back. All this for just one hundred and five thousand on the clock, that’s nothing for a Mini, it could do the same again easily and probably will do. Just two thousand two hundred pounds, can you believe it? I honestly don’t know what the boss was thinking of when he priced this one up. If you can show me your driving licence, I will let you take it for a short test drive. You are going to love this car. 

Here’s my licence. I would like to take it for a short spin. It looks pretty good. 

(So did the Titanic you fool.) Ok, your licence seems fine so here’s the keys, see you in twenty minutes or whatever. You look pretty comfortable in the driving seat I must say. (A foolish fool rather like little Noddy, all he needs is Big Ears sitting next to him. And off he goes.) 

He made it out of the yard.  Miracles, they do happen all the time.  Oh, my goodness, hello Katie, what’s my lovely daughter doing here?   

I said I would meet Ronnie here. He just drove away in that Mini.  He needs another car, so I sent him to see you. Do I get a commission? 

How fond are you of this Ronnie?

About the author

James recently bought a preloved Honda with formidable tyres.

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