Monday 7 February 2011

The Hydrogen Fairy

By Julie-Ann Corrigan

Vanilla Café Latte

I am a tiny particle, not yet fusing with any other particle. I am moving in small circles but I remain invisible within the vast universe. My movements are random and free. As yet I only exist in time and space as a concept.

Just a thought.

I can only anticipate the next event. In the burning core of the solar explosion that you will know as a distant star, I am biding my time. I am not waiting; waiting is an idea that doesn’t exist in a universe where time itself is illusory. How can I linger in timeless space?

My time is measured in the massive explosions that surround me. I cannot count. As yet there are no numbers. Numbers are a concept. A concept that doesn’t exist yet. But it will and when it does, it will transform everything. It will become so important and intricate the universe will appear too small. But I will become large and significant and will surpass all that came before and anticipate all that lies ahead. I will become the blueprint.

I will become you.

There are many explosions in the core of my star and I am only a tiny particle.

I am moving closer to my metamorphosis. Very soon I will be two. When the last explosion of my life as being one finishes, I will fuse and multiply. Nuclear energy will enable me to begin my journey. I will not be the hydrogen atom of my birth, but will become the first stage of my growth. I am slowly becoming the complex compound that you need.

It is the journey of my destiny and your tentative life.

Unfortunately, my voyage anticipates the beginning of the demise of my star; a star that has been burning for so much longer than you will ever know. And as it transforms into a Supernova and I travel further away from my birthplace, I sense where I am travelling. Although I have no conscious idea of my final destination, I feel the cajoling, subtle pull.

The collapsing star is spurning my siblings continually. They are moving so quickly in their attempt to catch up with me on our long journey. It is a voyage that is lit constantly by other distant stars. My siblings are trying desperately to find me, to attach to me, so we can multiply together. They know the importance of this journey and this knowledge only serves to encourage them to become part of me.

So we can become you.

I am passing much smaller and younger suns. At a time in the distant future when they themselves are spent, they will produce more of us.

Barren planets come and go but these desolate places do not beckon me.

They are not my final destiny.

Cosmic debris is littering my path. But I need to focus on my journey and arrive safely at my ultimate destination.

Massive comets, which have their own tale to tell, collide into me; the energy is so strong, I multiply again and again. I am becoming stronger, more complex. My growth is exponential and my size is slowing me down. Some of my siblings are catching me up. They are hurtling through time and space in a supreme attempt to be with me. Silently jostling, they collide with me and once connected they are assimilated, becoming part of me.

As I will become part of you.

Quickly and I move through so many solar systems. Each one seeming larger than the one I have just left. More and more organised they appear. Each one hinting at the promise of what will be. Hinting at the promise of what should be.

Of what will be you.

Now I am changing again. My siblings are now so a part of me that we are one entity, real matter. Our name alters. It changes again and again. I am becoming impenetrable. Still not as important as my parent, the star - but my destiny is drawn And as surely as your sun will burn for a long but finite time, my destiny is as clear as the final fate of your sun. Perhaps clearer.

Because soon I am you.

I am now more than the hydrogen atom of my birth. I am expanding, filling space; creating a tiny part of gravity. As one, I am nothing. But there are many more like me. Our births and multiplication are constant.

As constant as constant can be.

We need to be prolific. Occasionally instead of expansion, the universe implodes, taking many of my siblings with it. There is no time and no space inside the two dimensional hole. Does it exist? It may do to my siblings trapped inside, but to me now, as I travel forcefully to my final goal, I think it doesn’t. How can it?

When it isn’t part of you.

By knowing my size and my complexity, I recognise that I am nearing the end of my journey. I am now becoming the organic, stable matter that I need to be.

This solar system, which I’m now entering appears disparate from the others. More organised? With ripples of a divergent form of energy, it feels different. It is an energy that inspires me.

To become you.

I am beginning to perceive an irresistible pull. Although subtle, it has been with me from the beginning. I am passing planets unlike anything I’ve seen before. They seem to be directing me towards my destination; enormous pointers in the massive space all around me. I can do nothing to halt my progress, my fate.

And your destiny.

Everything is becoming smaller. I am aware that this solar system is more compact…yet more complex. The planets are evenly spaced and the debris is becoming less. I am serene. I sense that I am arriving at my real home.

I am beginning to feel who you are; to know what you will be and what I will become. An excitement overwhelms me at the thought, the idea of becoming you.

You, who will be more important than your Sun and know more than anything which I have passed on my journey.

It will be many years before you become what your destiny is, but I am patient and know that we will achieve the goal of my dying star.

My arduous journey is not in vain because you nearly exist. The older solar systems already comprehend what you will finally be. They have glimpsed at your destiny. They know that there is nothing that will compare to you.

You will be unique.

I am now reacting with oxygen and water vapour. I am growing up.

Gravity is pulling me ever more strongly towards the blue planet. A planet that is different from all the others. Now I want to get there. I want to be part of it. This planet will become my home.

Your home.

I am now moving faster than ever before. I see the spectacular blue planet in its impending glory. Beautiful and serene. Calm and peaceful. The white clouds hovering tentatively just above its surface, beckon and cajole me. They are willing me not to make a mistake. Their hope is for me to be successful, to penetrate the fragile atmosphere and find my new home.

To find you.

I am plunging through the atmosphere of the beckoning planet. Now I am what I need to be and complex enough to begin your life. I am entering on the bright side; your Sun is shining strongly and emphatically. It is shining down so hard that the blue oceans are twinkling white as they swirl and dance in the invisible wind. Water which will be my new home and inevitably, the start of you.

It is a sight more beautiful than anything I have seen travelling through thousands of solar systems. The view is an idiosyncratic image of loveliness and unparalleled in the infinite space that encircles its precious parameters.

It is ours.

I am moving at great speed through the atmosphere, which is light and welcoming, warm and enticing. I begin to slow down and float gently. As I break my way through the fragile shell of the blue planet, which is incommensurate with its size and beauty, I am at peace.

I am sinking into a great ocean, where I find my penultimate resting place.

Because soon, in thousands of generations of life, I will become a part of the puzzle that is you. I will become the part of you that thinks and reasons. Loves and hates. Laughs and cries. I will be a fragment of all your emotions.

And when you grow old and die, I will continue on; then becoming part of your offspring, and their offspring.

Because I am the fairy inside all of you.

I am looking backwards towards my star, a silvery dot shimmering in the sky. It is now long dead. It died giving birth to me. It died giving birth to you. And although I look and marvel at its persistence: it is the persistence of you and your planet that is truly marvellous.

I will never leave you.

I am your fairy.

* * *


Julie-Ann had her first short story published in October 2010 in Bridge House Publishing’s ‘Devils, Demons and Werewolves’ Anthology. She has also had articles published in local magazines and the online culture magazine, ‘Beat.’ Her recent interview with best-selling crime writer, RJ Ellory has been accepted for publication in The Writing Magazine , April edition, out mid March 2011.

She’s been writing for two years. She is desperately trying to concentrate on her novel, set amidst the turmoil of the Spanish Civil War – but is constantly side-tracked when short story ideas inadvertently, pop into her head.

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