‘Don’t you think it’s about time we got married?’
‘I thought you weren’t too bothered?’
‘Well, now the baby’s on the way, perhaps we ought to sort it all out, you know.’
‘All right, if that’s how you feel. Didn’t think you were that old-fashioned. I’m all for it in theory, but we don’t have the money and these things cost a fortune.’
‘Like babies?’
‘Exactly. Like babies. And a wedding on top? Janice and Fred spent over twenty grand on theirs. And that was without the honeymoon. Not sure we’ve got twenty pence.’
‘Don’t exaggerate. There’s the money we’ve been saving for a deposit on a house. Anyway, it’s the bride’s father who pays.’
‘You must be joking! Imagine my old man forking out that sort of cash. How many times has he done a runner at the pub when it comes to buying his round? Spent all his money on beer and bookies. The only reason he’d turn up at the wedding would be for the free booze.’
‘Who said it would be free? What if we did it all on the cheap? You know Harry, who does the beer tent at the festivals? He’ll come in and run a pay bar.’
‘So what? We have it in the open air?’
‘Don’t be daft. How about Graham, down at the industrial centre? We can use his caff. Have the wedding over a weekend when he’s not open.’
‘I suppose so, but he’ll want paying for the food. Mind, we don’t have to get him to do the catering. I’ll ask Chloe; she’s a dab hand at buffets and things. No sweat for her to cobble something together for what, twenty or so people.’
‘Chloe will want paying and imagine what your mother will say if all we have is bottled beer and a cold buffet.’
‘My mother will never know. We’ve not spoken for three years, not since we had that row after I gave up the secretarial job at the council. I’ll invite her, of course, but she won’t bother to show. So, where are we? Graham’s caff for the day, Chloe to do the catering, Harry on the bar. Can you get your brother to bring his kit and play at being a dj?’
‘He’d love that. Been trying to get a proper gig for months. I’ll video him on my camera, put it on Facebook and Instagram. Free advertising for him, free music for us. But there’s still Chloe to pay.’
‘Never you mind Chloe, I can sort her out. That’s about it.’
‘There’s photographs.’
‘Do people still do photographs? I thought it was all wobbly phone camera stuff.’
‘They don’t last. Apple changes the operating system every five minutes. The photos you took this month won’t be available next. You need proper printed photographs on proper photographic paper and another set on a CD, just in case.’
‘No problem. Patrick Marsh, he’s just the man. Everyone uses him. Our only problem will be booking him in.’
‘And paying his fee.’
‘Don’t you worry about that. I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.’
‘Not in your state.’
‘Don’t be silly. I’m absolutely a one man girl nowadays. Anyway, I don’t fancy Patric - all that carroty hair. I’m not like your old man; once I’ve cast my eye over the runners and riders I go for my choice, no hedging of bets or chopping and changing.’
‘Delighted to hear it. If we’re going to splash out money we don’t have on a wedding, I’m damned if I’m going to be able to afford a divorce. Don’t suppose we can get the registry office for free, can we?’
*
‘That was the best wedding I’ve ever had. With luck, the next one will be even better.’
‘You’ll be over ninety by then. I’m never going to let you go until they carry me out in a box. Where did your brother get all those old records from?’
‘He’s been collecting them for years. Started when he was an exchange student in the States. All the rich kids bought records (they were just coming back then) played them once or twice then dumped them in the rubbish. He made a habit of trawling all the bins on campus at least once every day. Built up a huge collection for free. Even Paul Gambuccini hasn’t got some of the records he has.’
‘Doing something for nothing obviously runs in the family. Good of Graham to lend us the caff. Though it took me and Chloe hours to clean it up the next day.’
‘How did you get her to do that as well as putting on such a huge spread? The vegetable samosas were delicious. Pity there weren’t more of them. Can’t have everything, I suppose. Have you seen the photos Patrick took?’
‘Only on a disk. How he got the one of Charlotte and Ben having a quickie round the back of the kitchen, I’ll never know. For God’s sake, don’t let Ben know you have it, or he’ll put it on Facebook and all hell will break loose.’
‘Smart lad, Patrick. He’ll make a great private eye one day. What did you have to do in the end to procure his services?’
‘Dead simple. All he wanted was for me to get Chloe to sleep with him.’
‘Doesn’t sound simple to me. Pretty choosy girl, is Chloe. A trifle up-tight as well, so they tell me. I suppose she did, in the end, despite his messy hair and big feet.’
‘Of course, no problem. It’s been three days now, and ,except for helping me clear up Graham’s place, I don’t think they’ve been out of bed since.’
‘Very clever of you. But now you’ll have to pay forfeit, do whatever you have to do for Chloe. Spend the summer waitressing for her for free or making ten thousand jam tarts.’
‘Not at all, job done. She asked me for one simple favour and I’ve already done it for her.’
‘So what was the favour?’
‘You’re dead right, she can be shy and up-tight. She wanted me to get Patrick to sleep with her.’
‘My God. I have married a clever wife. I’ll have to watch my step from now on.’
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